Manchester Mistress: BDSM is therapuetic, it is not therapy

For those of you loyal readers who have been following Me for a while, you will remember that I have previously written on the therapeutic value of BDSM. It can be, in many ways, an incredibly healing and valuable experience. However I have and will always maintain that there should be a clear distinction between BDSM as a therapeutic experience and actual therapy. Today's blog is going to delve deep into the reasons why I believe such a distinction is so important.

Dominatrix, Domme and Sub: BDSM is Catharsis, Not Counselling

The emotional and physical catharsis gained from kink is undeniable. Having orgasms, relinquishing your sense of control, being beaten… these are all things which release numerous chemicals in the brain, flooding you with feel good chemicals which can make people feel fantastic. BDSM can be incredibly cathartic as a practice, and can give people both the physical and emotional space to engage in difficult topics or feelings, but it is not the same as undergoing genuine mental health treatment.

For people suffering from mental health problems, especially those stemming from trauma, medical and psychological treatment is vital. Can reframing a traumatic event under the guise of an experienced Dominatrix feel cathartic? Absolutely. Is it a substitute for actually unpacking trauma with a licensed psychotherapist? Absolutely not.

BDSM in Manchester - Tameside Playspace - Kink As A Form Of Self Care

There are many activities that can provide a general sense of wellbeing and calm when undertaken regularly, such as daily exercise, meditation, and yoga, and it is important to carve out time in your life to dedicate solely to pleasure and self care. But most people would rightly scoff at the suggestion that someone dealing with mental health issues should simply go for a run, or do some asanas. Leigh Cowart in Hurts So Good, her book chronicling the human practice of engaging with pain on purpose, considers BDSM as a tool to be exercised for personal growth. And, as kink is such an exhilarating experience, it is much closer to the earlier forms of self care I mentioned above than it is to actual therapy. There is nothing wrong with taking a holistic approach to your own well being, in fact I encourage it! But the very first and most important piece of that puzzle should always be with a professional therapist.

The entire ethos of risk aware consensual kink is that you must think carefully about what types of risks are involved in any activity. There is always risk involved in BDSM, whether physical, emotional, or mental. To treat kink as therapy when you are not a trained therapist means you are choosing treatment for yourself without understanding what impacts it may have on you.

Sub Domination, Masculinity, and the Freedom To Seek Treatment

The wider social stigma around mental health and seeking treatment is lessening thanks to many people speaking out about it so openly and honestly, however that does not negate the fact that people are still generally not socialised to be very open about their mental health. Men in particular are given the message that they should just get on with it, and forego expressing or even feeling their feelings freely. Men are told to ‘man up’ and ‘deal with it’ – a toxic form of masculinity which will often deter them from seeking professional help.

On the flip side to that however, men are massively encouraged to be ‘sexually successful’. To see exploration of sex as a key component of being ‘A Real Man’. Is the coupling of these two messages why so many men instead seek support from professional sex workers than licensed psychotherapists? The message that men can and/or should replace genuine treatment and support from mental health professionals by engaging in BDSM further drives home the idea that they should ignore their emotions and instead focus on their sexual identity. This is incredibly harmful and disrespectful to men as fully formed emotional beings, and trust me when I say it is not a healthy approach to your own mental health, sexuality or relationships.

Manchester Playspace for BDSM: Your Play Is Not Your Therapy from your Domme

For those who play within their intimate relationships, including the ones you pay for, it is imperative to remember that your play partner is not your therapist. If you feel that the kink you engage in helps your well being and brings you a sense of calm, that’s awesome. But, as mentioned above, people without specific mental health training are unequivocally not qualified to prescribe a form of treatment to either themselves or anyone else.

Requiring that your intimate partner be responsible for your mental health via the play you share is not only an unfair burden, but a very unhealthy dynamic for the both of you. By assuming that their participation in your play will mitigate or even resolve your struggles, you are setting them an impossible task, and trust me when I say it will eventually put a huge strain on them and on your relationship.

Your Manchester Mistress Dom/me Is Not Your Therapist

Continuing on from that, BDSM professionals are not therapists (and any one who acts like they are should look like a giant, waving red flag to you). It is perfectly normal to feel very close to the Professional Dom/me you are serving, regardless of whether that’s through long term servitude or within the confines of a single session. It’s also perfectly normal to want to share yourself with them. Opening up emotionally can feel very natural when you have not only shared but also indulged in your sexy secrets together.

However it is also important to remember that a Professional Dom/me is there to provide a specific BDSM experience, and not to act as a surrogate therapist. To ignore this and not respect the boundaries of a BDSM session is unhealthy and toxic for all involved, and has the potential to harm or trigger both of you. I would caution any submissive to be very wary of any Dom/me who advertises their sessions as therapy, unless they can provide specific evidence of credentials. Even then, therapists maintain very clear boundaries between themselves and their clients for the wellbeing of both parties. For a Dom/me to claim their sessions are literally therapy, or an appropriate substitute for it, is to my mind highly unethical.

Lola Ruin Articles - Tips for Dommes, Ruined Oragasm and BDSM Dominatrix in Manchester

Final Thoughts

In Summary, you cannot work through or process mental health struggles or trauma only through engaging in BDSM practices. They can certainly help reframe certain contexts or scenarios as positive by providing people with the chance to form new pathways.  They can help people to feel a greater sense of embodiment or autonomy. They can enable people to develop emotional and mental resilience and flexibility. They can also bring a much needed release from the pressures of life.

However, deciding that you will forego the support and treatment of a doctor or licensed therapist, who has spent years in training to help you, in order to opt for BDSM sessions, is irresponsible. I say this as someone with a degree in psychology (and who once upon a time wanted to become a therapist, before I discovered whips and chains), and as a Dominatrix with over a decade of professional play under my belt. I, like most Dom/mes, am not qualified to help you unpack trauma.

BDSM is a wonderful experience and practice, but when considering approaches to treating mental health your favourite professional BDSM practitioner should be at the very bottom of the list of professionals to seek help from - after properly licensed and accredited mental health professionals, therapists, counsellors, and doctors. 

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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My Top Tips For New Dommes

My Top Tips For New Dommes...

By MistressLolaRuin November 26th, 2021

Among the many changes brought about by recent events, the sudden explosion of new workers entering the world of sex work has been one of the most noticeable. Largely due to the vast number of people who needed a way to make money from their own homes turning to OnlyFans, this expansion has spread out to other areas of sex work.

The world of Domination calls to many, and those of Us who are established in our field will often be inundated with requests for advice on the industry - how to enter it, where to start, and how to be successful. As someone who was once a young beginner, it is now important to Me that I offer the same generosity of spirit that was afforded to Me. Without the guidance of established and wiser Dommes teaching me the ropes, I would not be where I am today. There is a lot to learn for new Dommes, but my top 5 tips for those of you who are brand new to the industry would be as follows;

Choose A Unique Name

First, you need to choose a name. Your Domina name should reflect the essence of the domination you will offer to the world. It should also be unique. Not only so that you stand out and are easily identifiable for the submissives who wish to serve you, but also because choosing a name already belonging to an established Domina is considered extremely poor form in the world of BDSM. There is no need to copy someone more successful than you, and if you try, all that means is that you will struggle to compete online against the very Domme you have copied. After all, she's already there and has her territory is carved out. Better that you choose a name that is entirely your own so that you can forge your own unique brand. This will not only help submissives to recognise you, but will help when it comes to online marketing and search engine optimisation.

I say this as someone who made this very mistake... Lola is common name amongst sex workers, and I wish I had chosen something more original. However, I've worked long and hard and I've made it work for me (with the help of a second name Ruin). Anyone who chooses either the name Lola or Ruin now is going to face an uphill struggle against me and the internet presence I have been slowly building for a decade.

Choose a first and a last name, something which reflects you and your style of Domination, and do some research to make sure no one else is using it! The last thing you want to do is cause friction with other Dommes and create a lot more work for yourself as you try to compete down the line.

Research Kinks

Second, research. There are as many flavours of kink as there are kinky people. You will need to have a strong grounding in a wide variety of kinks and fetishes to begin with. Consider the variety of fetishes there are: ABDL to sounding to whipping to tie and tease. Also consider how each of these may fit better with different archetypes of Domination: Stern Mommy, Teasing Goddess, Evil Nurse, Cruel Dominatrix. Once you are familiar with them, then you can then begin to identify which ones you can cater to, how to do so safely, and which ones you won't be able to offer, either because they don't fit in with your archetype or because you do not have the safety training or equipment.

Even if you are only planning to produce online content, a convincing and skillful video requires a thorough knowledge of the fetish or act being described or portrayed. Producing a 'latex fetish' clip when you are actually wearing PVC will not win you any fans in either the Domination or submissive community. Submissives care deeply about their fetishes, and it is important you portray them accurately.

Read as many blogs and books as you can, attend workshops, pay for content or sessions to educate yourself. Some Dommes may even be happy to mentor you or allow you to shadow them, however you should consider they may well charge for their time. Try to soak up as much information as possible, and don't offer anything you don't yet know how to do safely. Later on you can hone down into your specialities, but to begin with I recommend just being a sponge for knowledge.

Have Clear Boundaries And Stick To Them

Fourth, and it is important you think about this one carefully, boundaries. Your boundaries as a Domme will not spring out fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus, you need to consider them in detail after the research you did in step two. What are you comfortable doing, what services are you comfortable providing, what avenues of communication are you going to offer submissives? Your boundaries will, over time and with experience, naturally shift and evolve. That's normal, and a regular check in with yourself every so often will help you to keep track of how your internal world is adapting. It is vital however that you remember that the only person who can shift or alter these boundaries is you. Not a submissive or their wallet.

No matter what your boundaries are, there will be submissives who will try to push them. They will ask to sleep with you, they will beg you to offer fetishes you don't, they will contact you at ungodly hours and pour out their hearts and souls as though you are the only person in the world who could help them (apparently therapists don't exist). Be prepared for how you will respond when they do.

And then there will be some who will do all of the above but with an attachment of very tempting cash. You will have to decide what you are comfortable with, but trust me when I say that no amount of money is worth you feeling like you have betrayed yourself. Every single time I've flexed on my boundaries, I've regretted it, mostly because submissives who do not respect your boundaries are not good submissives. Your time, energy and well being is precious and you should protect it, even when a cash injection looks tempting.

Diversify Your Income

Third, diversify how you make your money. While everyone has strengths and preferences, a Domme who only produces content for one specific niche on one specific platform will quickly run into trouble when the payment processors ban that fetish, or the platform is shut down. As we saw when Onlyfans banned explicit adult content, there is no guarantee that a platform will be available to you forever. And as we saw during the pandemic, even relying solely on sessions is not a good idea (although I very much hope another pandemic is not on the horizon!)

If working online, make sure your work across a range of different platforms so that your brand can reach a wider audience and you have options in case a pesky credit card decides to refuse to work with a particular website. And if you work solely offline, consider opening a fan club just to supplement your session income. Being able to turn a side hustle into a main hustle is much easier than suddenly having to learn a brand new way of working under financial pressure. No one wants to be stuck with no income at short notice.

A quick side note about New Girl Money... when you first come onto the scene, you may find yourself inundated and making more money than ever before. Do not rely on this to last forever, because quite often that initial rush will dry up and then it can take years to really hone your hustle. I know it can be tempting to blow all that new cash on a bunch of Louboutins, but do not be frivolous. Until you are more established and the flow of sessions is more predictable, it pays to be frugal and just keep reinvesting in your business. New Girl Money can end abruptly, so plan ahead for those rainy days!

Schedule Both Work And Down Time

Fifth, scheduling. It is a truth universally acknowledged among all self employed people that it is dangerously easy to work non-stop. Id say this is especially true for Dominatrixes, as our work tends not just to be our work, but also our lifestyles. There's always more work to be done, you will find your to do list only ever gets bigger, and that can easily lead to finding yourself working into the early hours after everyone else has gone to bed. The work that we do is intensive and can take a lot of energy, and once burn out has gotten it's claws into you, it can become the most difficult job in the world. Self care is paramount to avoid that, so schedule in your working hours and stick to them. Schedule in full days off, and make them non-negotiable. No submissive and no amount of money is worth your well being, and when you have a schedule, your submissives will learn to work around you.

I know this can be difficult, especially when you see established Dommes doing everything all the time making it look easy. But here is a secret... many established Dommes have hired help. I personally have 3 different people I pay to help me run my business, and once you are making enough money I strongly recommend you do the same. Until then, do what you can and focus on building your brand, and do not compare yourself to those who are 5, 10 or 20 years down the line. You'll get there eventually, as long as you balance your hard work with scheduled self care.

Good Luck!

I very much hope that any new Dommes reading this feel both informed and inspired going forward. Remember that this work allows for all different styles of Domination and all different ways of working, and it'll take a while to find your groove. Until then, stay sharp and have fun exploring and experimenting as you build your own Fempire 🙂

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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UK Dominatrix Tips: How A Professional Domme Commands Her Submissive Slaves. A Guide in Kink Domination via Webcam and Virtual Commands to Obey

UK Dominatrix Tips: How A Professional Domme Commands Her Submissive Slaves. A Guide in Kink Domination via Webcam and Virtual Commands to Obey

By MistressLolaRuin | June 1, 2021

COVID has forced most of our kinky lives online, and with that many of us are scratching our naughty itch virtually, even if we have never done so before (personally it has been years since I offered webcam domination in any kind of consistent way). For many of you, this may be a brand new way to play and serve, and whilst new things can be exciting, they can also be daunting.

So… how can you improve your virtual experiences? What can you do as a submissive to make Distance Domination even more thrilling and fulfilling?

UK Professional Dominatrix - Femdom Distance Domination via Webcam

BOOK A WEBCAM SESSION WITH ME HERE

Here are my Top 10 Tips for how you can improve your experience…

Femme Doms and Dominatrix: How To Choose The Right Dominant in Manchester and UK Nationwide

You will know from my website that I'm based in Manchester and pre-Covid was very active in London for weekend bookings, overnight escort dates and Extended Experiences locally in Thameside, Manchester and UK Nationwide when restrictions are lifted. Choose your Dominant carefully. I'm saying this as a word of precaution: I have seen a huge rise in the number of catfishers using Dominants photos to scam money for things like webcam sessions from unsuspecting submissives who have not done their research. If you see a Dominant you like on Instagram or Twitter, you should immediately Google their website. See if it looks legit, and check it actually links to the same profile you found. If they don’t have a website, that should raise some flags.

Also, search for their name online and see what you can find… other social profiles, clip stores, reviews, interviews. Most genuine Dommes have all of the above and more, usually with intricate levels of detail of how they most enjoy playing with their submissives and how you can apply to serve them. This should help you to know… firstly, is this Domme genuine, and secondly, do their interests align with your own?

Dominatrix Webcam Bookings Online - Choosing The Perfect Platform for your Submissive Slavery Sessions

Adultwork and Niteflirt are just two well know platforms which Dommes can offer webcam domination through, and if you’re not sure where to begin your search for a Dominatrix, I would suggest starting there. However… these sites do take a cut, so if you have already chosen a Domme independently of these websites, contact them directly and ask what is their preferred platform and payment processing for webcam sessions (if that isn't already listed on their website).

As with all submission, you should always be striving to make your Dominants life better… and whilst some Dommes may like the ease of using these platforms, others will prefer you book webcam domination directly and cut out the middle man. Again... make sure this is a genuine Dominant before you send money directly by doing your research. If in doubt, hold out and wait until you find someone who looks more trustworthy.

BOOK A WEBCAM SESSION WITH ME HERE

Slaves Sit Up: A Domme Will Demand You Talk - Ruined Orgasm to Roleplay

Speak up! Verbally (or by email) describe your likes and no go areas clearly and succinctly. Articulate in the best way possible to your Dominatrix, She will learn quickly how best to thrill, or to delay your ultimate pleasure.

Tips for communicating your submissive desires with your domination of choice: A few sentences along the lines of ‘I want a therapist roleplay where we begin more vanilla but you become crueller as the session goes on, eventually culminating in a ruined orgasm. I also enjoy edging and nipple play, for example.

I do not like CBT or anal play’ is perfectly fine, and this is plenty for most Dommes to run with!

Striking the balance between being too vague or too prescriptive will serve you well whenever you are approaching a Dominant, whether thats for virtual domination or any other kind of play.

Articulating Effectively in Virtual Domination Webcam Sessions

Contrary to popular opinion, ‘anything you want Mistress’ is generally hard work for most Dommes. We are not mind-readers, and it is even more difficult for us to read body language when we offer virtual sessions. So, make sure you articulate your likes clearly when you apply for your webcam session.

Equally, being too specific can really sap the fun out of it for the Dominant, and lead to a lack lustre webcam session where we spend more time trying to remember your endless list of likes than allowing the play to unfold organically. I have had submissives email me incredibly long scripts for play before, and the more you include the more likely it is I won’t know which parts are the most important or thrilling for you.

Webcam Domination and Submissive Communication - A Dominatrix Mistress Demands Respect From Her Slaves

Before you apply to a Dominatrix, take a moment to really collect your thoughts, and jot down any and all questions you may have regarding distance domination, rather than later bombarding with countless emails each with a single, different question. Of course, you should also be reading their website meticulously to see if your question is already answered there, try my Manchester Mistress - About Me page for a good start.

BOOK A WEBCAM SESSION WITH ME HERE

Pay to Play the Professional in a Respectful Way - Less is More

I generally find that the fewer emails I exchange with a submissive before a webcam session, the more likely I am going to enjoy their company as they obviously respect both me and my time. And under no circumstances should you be sending suggestive or sexy messages unless you have consent and are tipping to do so. Professional Dominants are just that… professionals. You should always treat them as such, and leave the more saucy stuff to when you are actually in a virtual session unless you have agreed to pay more for email play.

Distance Domination Webcam Online Virtual Domme Sessions - Preparation and Remove distractions

If you live with others, schedule the call at a time when they wont be home (hard in lockdown of course!), or at least when they won’t be likely to disturb you. Put your phone on silent and out of the way. Close down all other programs on your laptop. Turn off the TV or any other electronics you won't be using. Some light background music is acceptable, but the speakers should be as far away from your laptop microphone as possible, and the music should be whisper quiet.

I would also suggest having a set of headphones to hand in case you find you get feedback once your session begins... nothing will break the mood more than some deafening echo bouncing between you and your Domme as you scramble to find some earphones! Make sure that your space is as peaceful as possible, so you can focus totally on serving your Dominant.

Remote Dominatrix Webcam Sessions - Test your laptop

Run some internet tests to check that everything is working smoothly, because if there’s one thing that will break your submissive headspace, it’s finding out 2 minutes before your webcam session is due to start that your laptop won’t connect. Do this a few hours prior to your session, and again within the 15 minutes just before. Make sure all your software and drivers are up to date, and most importantly that your laptop is plugged in. Your computer battery dying 10 minutes into your session will ruin it, and not in the fun way 😉

Submissive Tips from a Professional Domme - Prepare your space

Imagine that your Dominant isn’t just appearing on your computer screen, but is actually coming into your room. Would you invite them over with dirty underwear strewn across the floor and used cups all over the sideboards? Of course not, and you should treat webcam domination exactly the same.

Clean away all the clutter, make sure your space looks immaculate, and maybe even put on some mood lighting and candles… make the space as inviting as you would if a Dominant were really in your home. If you have toys you wish to play with during the session, have them laid out neatly, clean, and within arms reach. A tidy space equals a tidy mind, and will allow you to keep all your attention on your session and your Dominants commands.

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Prepare to Submit to Her Demands - Slavery and Pleasing your Domina

I believe this to be one of the most important things you can do to get the most out of your session... by building up to it with a long ritual for yourself so that you are already in a submissive headspace before you even begin. Perhaps you want to watch some of your Dommes clips beforehand to help ease you into a submissive state ready for her orders? Or you could take some time to mediate on what it is you hope to gain from this session, and how you hope to please your Domina. Give your mind some breathing space, focusing on yourself and your submission, so that you can come to your webcam session refreshed and ready to please your Dominant.

Submissives: Obey every Dominatrix Command - Use Miss and 'Yes Mistress' with Respect

Finally… once your webcam session begins, remember your etiquette and be as obedient and respectful as possible. Address your Dominant correctly based on what they like, whether that be Mistress, Miss, Domina or some other title. Always use that title when answering questions.... If there is one thing I dislike, it is when a submissive answers me 'yeah' as though I am a mate down the pub, and not 'Yes Mistress' with the respect a Dominant rightfully deserves.

If you wish to ask for something specific or give feedback during the session, then always do it with the utmost respect. An example would be ‘Please Mistress, I beg of you to allow me to stroke’. Every Domme will have their own rules and etiquette, and you should expect to be corrected to their standards. But make sure they need never correct you twice.

Domination Decompress

Finally, allow yourself some time after your session to float back down to reality. Just as before with your pre-session ritual, think about how you can give yourself a post session ritual. Maybe treat yourself to a long relaxing bath whilst you replay the most enjoyable memories of your webcam session. Listen to some of your favourite music and pamper yourself. Take some time just for yourself again, to come back down to earth and reflect on your domination session...

Enjoy your playtime perverts, and I hope you find my tips helpful!

BOOK A WEBCAM SESSION WITH ME HERE

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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Vulnerability…

Vulnerability...

By MistressLolaRuin | April 26, 2022

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix - A Domme at work

When I first slipped on a pair of thigh highs over a decade ago, I learned that the men who came to see Me wanted a strong, powerful Woman. They wanted to place you on a pedestal, and use you like a blank screen they could project their fantasies onto. In order to be a successful Domme, you should curate every little glimpse they see to reflect that ideal. Under no circumstances, should you show any weakness or vulnerability.

For a long time, I believed that would be the only possible fantasy men could buy into, and I had to keep up with those smoke and mirrors.

As time went on and I became to question this ‘Dominant Ideal’ more and more. I wondered whether that was something I even bought into Myself. Not only was I the Dominant, but this was My career… could I make My own rules, and still pay My rent?

‘A successful Domme is the picture perfect image of success at all times.
Steely, traditional, hardcore and relentless…’

As a feminist, I also felt conflicted about being a sex worker… I was actively contributing to a highly sexualised view of women, and I grew more and more uneasy about that.

For a long time, I mulled over whether there was a way to humanise Myself more, but still keep those sessions coming to pay My bills. I wanted My followers to see Me and other sex workers as a whole humans, with lives and personalities which are complex and varied.

My work itself also evolved, and I realised how much emotional labour it really involved. Many slaves who came to see Me were not looking for a quick spanking and an orgasm in the corner. They wanted something more than that. They wanted a space which felt safe and intimate and freeing. With that in mind, approaching My work completely void of any real emotion felt fairly disingenuous.

BDSM should first and foremost be about trust and connection.
Once you have that, it paves the way for those therapeutic, cathartic experiences...

I slowly gained more confidence in Myself, and I began to show a little more personality. Little by little, I (willingly) let the façade slip. I began to write more personal blog posts, and spoke more openly about things I feel are important both in and outside BDSM.

When I did that, a funny thing happened. The more personal My blog posts were, the more popular they became. The more vulnerability I showed, the more that seemed to resonate with people. Prospective slaves began to seek Me out as a result of the thoughts and writings I had began to share. As I began to become more authentic and vulnerable in My work, that seemed to really strike a chord with My submissives.

Showing vulnerability as a Dominatrix can feel daunting,
when there is such pressure to be the perfect, Dominant ideal of men's fantasies...

The calibre of slaves who now approached Me dramatically improved. The more openly I talk about Myself, the more respectful and adoring My slaves became. I received less insulting comments or timewasters. I imagine they had begun to see Me as a whole, real person, and not as the perfect, latex clad, whip wielding indestructible Domme.

I talked openly about the importance of consent, relationship styles and mental health. As I did, I suddenly found My submissives were becoming not only more compatible with Me, but that they were opening up to Me more and more. They confined not only their innermost fantasies, but their own struggles. Many of them told Me they had never confined that in anyone else before. I am no therapist, but I think we can all agree from experience that sometimes just being able to speak aloud about your problems can be healing.

There is strength in being so open with another person, regardless of whether it’s a paid encounter or not. Feeling able to be vulnerable, in My experience, is far more often empowering than it isn’t. Beyond that, it fosters a sense of real trust. Even if a slave and I have never met before, they already feel a level of connection to Me because My writings have resonated with them.

As soon as I began to shake off the myth of the Unshakeable, World-Class Dominatrix,
My work became far more meaningful and real, for both Myself and My submissives...

I’m not a therapist, but I believe to the ground that a connection like D/s can be highly therapeutic for all involved. I love giving that space to My submissives, and developing a real sense of connection and trust with them. In fact, it’s probably what I love most about My work.

If I could give a single piece of advice to any apprising Dominant, it would be to be authentic to yourself, and not to an ideal which by definition is impossible to obtain. Speak freely about what matters to you, be strong enough to show vulnerability, and you’ll find that attracts the slaves you’ll love to play with…

“What happens when people open their hearts?"
"They get better.”
― Haruki Murakami

Until next time...

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Orgasm Control, Edging Tips and Enjoyment

Orgasm Control, Edging Tips and Enjoyment...

By MistressLolaRuin | Jan 30, 2021

On the joys of Orgasm Control…

My Manchester Playspace - The Perfect FemDom Edging Tease

Just imagine being strapped down tightly in my playspace. Naked on my leather bench, your body pulled taunt by the rope I’ve laced you into. Blindfolded and vulnerable, all you can hear is the gentle tapping of my high heels, circling you like prey. You feel some cold, liquid lubricant slowly drip on your cock. You hear my evil laugh pierce the silence as I watch you squirm from the shock of it. Then, you feel something slide onto you, and rhythmically start stroking you. I tell you its my favourite toy, The Venus 2000.

‘This allows me to control your pleasure with just the touch of a dial...’

I demonstrate by turning it up, and you arch upwards and deeper into it as you’re flooded with the sensation. Then, I begin to toy with you. The Venus fluctuates it speed up and down and I turn the dial. Grindingly, teasingly slow all the way up to furious pumping. You sink deeper into a submissive bliss, losing all control to me as you begin inching ever closer to that incredible explosion of pleasure you crave so much. And then, just as you reach the very edge, right on the cusp of what you know will be a mind blowing orgasm…. I STOP. Your body freezes, suspended in frustration for me.

‘My poor little submissive… you didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you? You need to remember, I own your cock now. Let’s start right from the beginning, all over again…’

You are at once totally deflated by this denial, and indescribably excited for me to continue. You hope that maybe this time, I might allow you some release, but you also know you won’t find out what my intentions are until the very last second…

…This, dear readers, is why I love Orgasm Control.
It is the ultimate mind fuck.

Of course, the ways in which I can control that orgasm are varied, ranging from total, repeated denial right through to multiple forced orgasms, milking you under you are completely dry. Each one serves it own purpose in training you to be the very best toy for me you can possibly be.

Types of Orgasm Control, Denial and Edging

Chastity Play

So much of BDSM is about memory. The anticipation as you apply for a session. Your imagination running wild about what might happen after I have accepted you. Then comes the day itself, the nervous butterflies and the experience of being totally present in your body, thoughtless whilst in my company. The weeks after you spend replaying it whilst masturbating furiously. The memories slowly fade, as do whatever marks I may have bestowed upon you…

Chastity is an wonderful way to prolong this. Not only do I decide what you experience when in my playspace, but now I also own your cock 24/7. Unlike those marks that may fade away, or the memories that become blurrier with time, the tight cage encasing you will serve as a constant reminder of your servitude. A constant reminder that your pleasure belongs to me now, your orgasm is totally under my control. Only when I decide to unlock you will you be free again.

Edging and Orgasm Denial

Repeatedly denying your pleasure is another form of orgasm control I use in most of my sessions. Not only will it make total denial even more unbearable, or any eventual orgasm I allow much more powerful (unless of course I decide to ruin… more on that later), but for many of you it seems to push you even deeper into submission for me. As a Domme, I find this both useful, and endlessly entertaining.

Occasionally, I like to begin my sessions by instructing you to edge yourselves a few times right away whilst at my feet. Let’s start as we mean to go on. With each edging, I can see your headspace deepening even more, watching you falling further under my spell. And of course, frustrated boys are always more obedient. So many of you beg me, saying you will do literally anything for a pay off. It’s constantly amusing to me how much more subservient you become when your pleasure is literally hanging in the balance.

Ruined Orgasm

I’ve spoken at length about ruined orgasms before, and it is truly the ultimate mind fuck. To build your excitement up and up, pushing you further and further towards release before withdrawing all stimulation at the very last second… laughing as you watch the sad, unsatisfying orgasm pathetically dribble out of your cock whilst experiencing none of the usual release. Such sweet psychological torment.

I especially love mixing this in with other forms of orgasm control. Just imagine spending a long month in chastity for me. That cage growing tighter everyday as your desire grows to serve me. Then, I unlock you and edge you 20 times in a row, each one even more teasing than the last. Then finally, I say I will allow you a pay off. You have taken orgasm control so well, I will allow you release… only to abandon it at the last second. So delightfully cruel.

And best of all, we can do it over and over again. The secret to the male multiple orgasm is in repeatedly ruining you at just the right moment…

Forced Orgasm and Milking

Dare I say, my least favourite of all forms of orgasm control, for obvious reasons. I much prefer denying your pleasure than allowing you any at all. I enjoy watching you squirm and beg. But, occasionally, I do like to reward my boys should they have done enough to earn it.

Though I may allow you such pleasure, this is naturally still totally under my control. You will only experience this pleasure should I so decide, and as you know I could change my mind at the very last second and still ruin you (teasing you about that throughout the entire build up, lest you forget). Or, even worst…

Post Orgasm Torment

You know how everything becomes ultra-sensitive right after you orgasm? That makes it exactly the perfect moment to inflict some pain upon you. Whether that be as punishment for earlier infractions, or maybe just to immediately pay for the pleasure you enjoyed… nothing stings more than some post orgasm torment.

This could just be as simple and continuing to stroke, the exact same stroking that just gave you so much pleasure now melting away and feeling painfully intense. Or maybe a few little well times flicks of my stiletto nails right into those extra sensitive balls? Or a few strikes of a whip across your cock to help it deflate even faster… Watching you switch immediately from pleasure to pain is always hysterical in the cruellest way possible.

I wonder, dear reader, if you love orgasm control as much as I do? It doesn’t really matter either way, because you will learn to love it if you wish to please me. And the best way to please me is to practise yourself.

I want you pick one of the above, and do it to yourself the next time you masturbate. Whether that be a month in chastity, 10 edgings in a row, a few ruined orgasms spread throughout the day or inflicting some pain on yourself as soon as you release. All the time remembering that I control your orgasms now.

I know it’s not quite the same when you do it to yourself. But, you can just imagine you’re strapped down tightly in my playspace instead…

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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