FemDom, Power and Submission to your Domme

Hello all, I wanted to discuss the truth about BDSM communities and The Physiology of Play!

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Femme Domme Sessions In Person – Manchester Incalls

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The acronym B.D.S.M. was first published in a Usenet publication way back in 1991. At the time it was logically interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and Submission) and S/M (Sadism and Masochism) which were shortened to the 4 letters we all know so well… BDSM. The term “Femdom” originated in the BDSM community in the late 20th century. It is a shortened form of “Female Domination.” If you’re familiar with my work, you’ve likely come across both these terms before!

What does BDSM mean and what’s the culture like.. and subcultures?

As an umbrella, catch-all phrase, BDSM covers a wide and varied range of activities, many different forms of interpersonal relationships (including those paid and those for pleasure), as well as distinct subcultures. Around the world these subcultures vary from region to region, their popularity dependent on nuances and differences between each language and cultural acceptance. You can even go further down the rabbit hole and find subcultures within subcultures… From leather daddies in the Dyke community, all the way through to TradWives on TikTok (yes, it is clearly a fetish, lol)

Kinky Ballet – Rope Play with Master and submissive and Dominant

In the BDSM world, we’ve used the terms submissive and dominant to distinguish these roles. The dominant partner, or in my case “Domme”, takes on psychological control over the submissive, or “sub”. There are other terms too, like “top” and “bottom”, and activity specific terms such as ‘Rigger’ and ‘bunny’ for rope play. The one at the top instigates an action, while the one at the bottom is the recipient. Think of it like a weird, kinky ballet – everyone has their part to play. But remember, these roles can be fluid and self-identification can be a hot topic of debate among BDSM participants. Although the inferior performs the action and the superior receives it, roles have not necessarily been exchanged.

The abbreviations sub and Dom are often used in place of submissive and Dominant. Sometimes the female-specific terms Mistress, Dominatrix, Domina and Domme are used to describe a Dominant woman, instead of the sometimes gender-neutral term Dominant, with Master and Dom usually referring to Dominant men. Individuals who transition from the superior/dominant role to the inferior/submissive role, either from one relationship to another or within a given relationship, are called switches.

At the heart of all of this, is a Power Play…

Power Inequality Increases the Experience Excitement with Implication.

I’d like to recognise that generally speaking, BDSM communities are super welcoming anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; it’s accepting to Queer folks, marginalised genders, body modification enthusiasts with tattoos and piercings, role-players, rubber fetishists and everything in between (so long as you’re respectful, understand and practice consent, and crucially, aren’t creepy).

In the BDSM community, the dynamics of activities and relationships often involve willing participants embracing complementary roles and recognising power imbalances. So, as I mentioned above, it’s really important that everyone involved gives ongoing, informed consent. While written agreements might not always be used, chatting about boundaries and building trust are paramount to having a good experience. I personally believe it’s crucial to establish a unique ‘safe word’ or phrase ahead of time for each relationship or casual play session. Whilst this may be forgone once you know and trust each other, it’s essential for first time encounters. This shared safe word should be highly respected, with the promise to never overlook or violate a partner’s trust. Anyone who doesn’t treat safe words with this respect aren’t welcome in the BDSM community very long.

The physiology of BDSM play

In this fun and exciting world of BDSM, the hormone Oxytocin – the chemical often associated with love and affection – plays a big part in bonding and savouring those shared moments between play partners. This special hormone linked to trust and desire can make a grand entrance during physical contact and the thrilling anticipation of BDSM play sessions. This chemical reaction supercharges the unique trust dynamics and respect for boundaries, which are the heart and soul of the BDSM community.

Read more of my articles on subjects close to my heart, and hopefully yours too.

Noradrenaline and Adrenaline – The Arousal Alerts

These hormone and neurotransmitter is linked to arousal and alertness. Increasing both your heart rate and blood pressure, they prepare your body for action and reaction. The excitement, desire, longing and nervousness my submissives may be feeling before their first session with me triggers the release of these. When both norepinephrine and adrenaline is released into the bloodstream, your delicious stress and excitement encourages a surge of the body’s “fight or flight” responses. Your energy levels will be overflowing as the hours countdown to play.

Cognitive Resource Allocation: The brain has a finite amount of cognitive resources at any given time. Excitement and anticipation can consume a significant portion of these resources, leading to a phenomenon known as “cognitive load.” When cognitive resources are focused on an upcoming event, there’s less available for other tasks, potentially impairing performance in work or other activities requiring concentration.

Have you ever considered why you fumble when you first arrive, or why you struggle to follow simple instructions given by your Domme? Now you know why.

The Impact of Excitement and Foreplay on Cognitive Load

This can also have an understandably impact on our emotional world as they do our psychological. Our emotions, such as excitement and anticipation, can significantly consume our thoughts, and even dreams and lucid daydreams. Often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, dopamine is associated with pleasure, excitement, and the reward system in the brain. The anticipation of a rewarding experience, such as meeting for an arranged session at My play space, will lead to increased levels of dopamine.

For long distance or sporadic meetups, often the precursor to the event will involve a form of remote power play, your Domme may reward you with role playing over the phone, or via photo messaging. This kind of foreplay is a slow-burning build-up of sexual tension, and a sneak peek of the submission to come…

Cognitive Load: The Positive Rush and the Temporary Denial

Knowing all this as a submissive is interesting, but knowing this as Domme makes for excellent opportunities to tease and torment you further. When someone is deeply consumed by their desire for another person’s company or is eagerly anticipating a significant Dominant and Submissive session, it’s great fun to deliberately create challenging scenarios with the aim to ruin your concentration. For example, in long distance play sessions, perfectly timed my interruptions for your work commute, making you incapable of the most basic of rational decisions, and can inject some excitement into an otherwise boring day. When you hire a professional FemDom, remembering important information will temporarily be a struggle. They call it ‘mind fucking’, but really it’s monopolizing all your brain power, demanding a substantial portion of your focus. Your ability to process other, more boring stimuli or tasks will be overridden by thoughts of me.

Doesn’t that sound delicious?

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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Control (and paying for the illusion of giving it up)…

Control (and paying for the illusion of giving it up)...

By MistressLolaRuin October 31 2016

I recently began reading a book titled 'Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon' by Danielle J. Lindemann. The first chapter explores who really had control within a professional Dungeon setting, the paying submissive for the paid for Dominatrix, based on interviews the author had with Professional Dominants in America. I thought the topic might make for good blog material, and tweeted out to see what others thought.


I received so many responses from both submissives and other Dommes. Thank you to all those who were kind enough to tweet back with their views. Some even sent Me emails with longer accounts of their thoughts. From the range of responses, I got, it seems this is a hot topic that everyone has an opinion on.

Most of the responses I received placed control with the submissive, and it’s easy to see why. They choose the Domme they wish to pay to submit to. They dictate their likes, limits, and often request an outfit. Sometimes they will provide trigger phrases for their Domme to say, and some even go as far as to heavily script the session. If given a safeword, they continue to hold control even during play as they have the ability to stop the session at any time by using it.


Having said all that, I don’t believe it is always quite so simple. Can it really still be the case the sub is the one in control when the Domme must choose to accept their session? Whilst the same might not be true of brand new Dommes or ‘house’ dungeons in America, more independent and well-known Dommes have total control over their vetting process. Those of Us Dominas whom have other incomes streams, such as clips sales, online sessions, or other forms of work can afford to be even choosier. The ability to pay Our bills is not entirely dependant on how many real time sessions We accept.

Submissives requested activities have also been picked from an already pre-approved list compiled by and found on the website of the Domme. Rejecting any submissives with likes which deviate from Our preferred activities happens often. Few Dommes do not have a limits section on their website, which by design streamlines who they see. Even if a sub appears to be topping from the bottom, that's not to say the Domme has no control. Take for example a sub who heavily scripts his session. Many Dommes may well find this makes their work as a professional Top even easier. If they enjoy acting and roleplaying like this, even better.


Whether the Domme or sub has control, and how much they feel happy giving away, also varies depending on how they identify. Does the potential submissive see themselves as a fetishist? Do they have specific activities they enjoy partaking in to the exclusion of many others? Or does their pleasure derive from the act of submission alone, and therefore they identify more as a slave? Do they care only about pleasing their Domme, regardless of the activities pleasing Her entails?

A similar continuum also exists for Dommes. Does She identify as a professional service Top? Is She simply a provider of Dominant fetish services to a paying submissive client? Or does She identify as a Dominatrix in the traditional sense? She is unyielding, powerful and interested only in Her own pleasure whilst exerting total control over Her sub?


Most of U/us kinksters probably fall somewhere in the middle. How W/we identify might well change as time goes on and as a D/s relationship deepens. Many arrangements which begin as service Tops and fetishistic subs may later evolve into a more traditional Dominatrix and slave dynamic. Other Dommes and subs may always purely be playing, exploring specific fantasies together they both enjoy. I don’t believe this makes the exchange any less authentic, fulfilling or healing.

It would be a lie to say that paying submissive does not ‘employ’ his Domme and Her fetish services. Often it seems they are paying for the illusion of renouncing control, as opposed to actually renouncing it. What I find most intriguing about this is that a part of the service Dommes provide is pretending that isn’t the case. Many of Us Dommes will portray the image that We are always, without exception, in complete control. Projecting an image of being empowered and powerful is seen as essential to Our brand and to attracting new submissives.


But honestly… how many subs are genuinely looking for this extreme form of Domination? How many would pay upfront the large tribute Us Dommes demand and then be content with having absolutely no say whatsoever in how the session then unfolded. I doubt many would leave such an exchange feeling fulfilled or happy, but of course I could be wrong. If there is one thing I have learned in My time as a Pro Domme, it’s that there is a fetish for everything! I would also question the integrity of a Dominatrix who operated like this. Taking your cash then giving zero fucks about your desires or limits sounds more like abuse than BDSM to Me. Thankfully I have yet to personally meet any Dommes who fall into this category in My own career.


For Me personally, I see the majority of My sessions as a combined effort. A submissive who approaches Me saying 'whatever you want Mistress' is one of My biggest pet peeves. Being evasive just makes My job more difficult, as sadly I am not gifted with the ability to read minds. I much prefer someone who is a little more forthright in their interests and especially their limits. Who negotiates with My own likes and gives Me a framework to play within, whilst also leaving Me some freedom to be creative.

Until next time…

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