The Perils of Dating as a Dominatrix…

The Perils of Dating as a Dominatrix...

By MistressLolaRuin May 8, 2018

Dating as a Dominatrix can throw a lot of odd challenges your way. I know, because I've been doing it for the past 4 years.
My ex-boyfriend was submissive. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I believe this put an extra strain on our relationship. Our D/s dynamic often burned Me out, and (somewhat understandably), jealousy of My work crept in.

When we broke up, I decided there were two things I needed for Myself in My future relationships. Firstly, to not date anyone who identities solely as submissive. Secondly, to explore non-monogamy.
I hoped that sticking to these rules would stop any burn out and jealousy from creeping back into My relationships. Thankfully, it seems to have worked.
I date non-monogamously less so for an affinity to polyamory and more so because I don't believe in monogamy. I care more about honesty than fidelity, and I don't think W/we are naturally monogamous creatures.
Over half a decade of Topping (mostly) married men for cash has only confirmed this. Plus, it's a safe bet that partner who is down with Me fucking other people for fun is probably going to be chill with Me Domming guys for money.
I  hold pretty high standards when it comes to who I spend My time with. My job is such a source of pleasure for Me, that more often than not I would rather spend time working than dating.  So many times I have been on awful dates, and the thought crosses My mind on how much more I would prefer to be at home, editing clips or rinsing My subbies.
As I already have a few lovely connections in My life, I'm in no rush to find another. I feel more fulfilled being productive than on a lack lustre date. That's still the case even when I am single, as being brought up as an only child means I am fairly content in My own company. As a result, I don't date all that often.

Coming Out as a Sex Worker
Occasionally though, I do get the urge to get dressed up and be wined and dined. Choosing who I’d like to indulge in that with can be, at times, disheartening. Dating as a Dominatrix can throw a lot of odd challenges your way. Such an unsuaul line of work tends to attract unusual responses. Thankfully, it can also be a blessing…
I am incredibly open about what I do for a living. Sex work is an understandable deal breaker, and I have no desire to waste anyone's time (least of all My own). If they’re not cool with My passion, then it’s really a no starter. I have no energy for men who are jealous or intimidated or ignorant about what I do.
So, I tell everyone pretty much straight away. It’s fairly easy, as ‘What do you do?’ is often one of the first questions asked. After My confession, prospective lovers need to tread a thin line when it comes to their response, and a lot lose My interest immediately…
The Secret Submissive
I guess if you're a submissive looking for a kinky girlfriend, it can be exciting seeing a Domme in the dating wild.  Finally, someone who understands My kinks! They get so carried away with the thrill of seeing someone so openly perverted, they forget I'm an actual human.
Often I receive a frantically typed out a message in awe of what I do for a living. An essay detailing all of their deepest darkest kinks, peppered with highly intimate questions about My own sexuality.
Of course, women in vanilla jobs have to put up with their fair share of sexually charged messages. However, when you out yourself as a sex worker it almost always changes the tone of the conversation. I am no longer a girl they are chatting to on a dating website. I’m an object for them to project their fantasies onto. They tend to sexualise Me even more than My paying subs... What a turn off.
The upside of this is how easily they weed themselves out. After I’ve ignored all the hyper sexualised messages, I tend to only have curious, kink friendly, open-minded people left. My ideal would be someone who finds My job intellectually interesting but not particularly arousing (at least at first…).
I love to discuss the psychology of fetishes. How a formative moment in early childhood has the potential to alter someones sexuality throughout their adult life. Someone equally interested in the psychology of BDSM usually makes for great conversation over dinner and drinks.
Judgemental ‘Whorearchy’
Although I am upfront about how I have no interest in dating someone who isn’t down with sex work, I also get messages from these exact people. How they couldn’t possibly date Me because of the work I do. Asking Me why I have such low self respect (honestly laughable considering My hourly rate…!). How they don’t understand BDSM or how someone charge for it, even less so pay for it.
These overtly moralistic messages get deleted immediately. Engaging and/or educating them is too draining.
Of all these kind of judgemental messages, there is one kind that irks Me more than any other. Those who pretend to be progressive, whilst denigrating other forms of sex work. ‘I’m cool with the fact you’re a Dominatrix, but I could never date someone who *escorts/erotic massages/strips/etc*’.
Talking shit about My fellow sex workers with an undertone of ‘doing Me a favour by considering dating Me’ is a sure fire way to offend Me. I am not one of these Dommes who likes to kid themselves into thinking what I do isn't sexual. Plus, I have far too many friends who work as escorts and I don't want a partner who judges them. I also don't want someone who is going to become all weird and jealous should I decide to branch out into another form of sex work in the future. 
As with the horny submissives, judgemental folks reveal themselves fairly quickly, leaving behind only the real progressives. So many others have confessed how their previous (or current) partners have engaged in sex work. To this day, My favourite ever response to My work was a guy who immediately dove into his (well informed) knowledge of the sex worker rights movement.

I guess it’s pretty clear what I want from My prospective dates. Someone intellectually stimulating, and who finds My work as interesting as any other interesting job. At the very least someone who has no problem with the fact I am a Domme, and at best, an ally to sex workers, and aware of the oppression We face and that I care about.
Thankfully, the dealbreakers I have seem to be self confessed within the first couple of messages, leaving only wonderfully progressive, kinky, open-minded folks left over. Despite the pitfalls, being a Domme is a blessing in disguise...
Plus, I could always enlist a cuckold slave to take care of all My dating admin for Me should I get bored of dealing with the secret subbies or judgemental pricks... 🙂
Until next time…
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Control (and paying for the illusion of giving it up)…

Control (and paying for the illusion of giving it up)...

By MistressLolaRuin October 31 2016

I recently began reading a book titled 'Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon' by Danielle J. Lindemann. The first chapter explores who really had control within a professional Dungeon setting, the paying submissive for the paid for Dominatrix, based on interviews the author had with Professional Dominants in America. I thought the topic might make for good blog material, and tweeted out to see what others thought.


I received so many responses from both submissives and other Dommes. Thank you to all those who were kind enough to tweet back with their views. Some even sent Me emails with longer accounts of their thoughts. From the range of responses, I got, it seems this is a hot topic that everyone has an opinion on.

Most of the responses I received placed control with the submissive, and it’s easy to see why. They choose the Domme they wish to pay to submit to. They dictate their likes, limits, and often request an outfit. Sometimes they will provide trigger phrases for their Domme to say, and some even go as far as to heavily script the session. If given a safeword, they continue to hold control even during play as they have the ability to stop the session at any time by using it.


Having said all that, I don’t believe it is always quite so simple. Can it really still be the case the sub is the one in control when the Domme must choose to accept their session? Whilst the same might not be true of brand new Dommes or ‘house’ dungeons in America, more independent and well-known Dommes have total control over their vetting process. Those of Us Dominas whom have other incomes streams, such as clips sales, online sessions, or other forms of work can afford to be even choosier. The ability to pay Our bills is not entirely dependant on how many real time sessions We accept.

Submissives requested activities have also been picked from an already pre-approved list compiled by and found on the website of the Domme. Rejecting any submissives with likes which deviate from Our preferred activities happens often. Few Dommes do not have a limits section on their website, which by design streamlines who they see. Even if a sub appears to be topping from the bottom, that's not to say the Domme has no control. Take for example a sub who heavily scripts his session. Many Dommes may well find this makes their work as a professional Top even easier. If they enjoy acting and roleplaying like this, even better.


Whether the Domme or sub has control, and how much they feel happy giving away, also varies depending on how they identify. Does the potential submissive see themselves as a fetishist? Do they have specific activities they enjoy partaking in to the exclusion of many others? Or does their pleasure derive from the act of submission alone, and therefore they identify more as a slave? Do they care only about pleasing their Domme, regardless of the activities pleasing Her entails?

A similar continuum also exists for Dommes. Does She identify as a professional service Top? Is She simply a provider of Dominant fetish services to a paying submissive client? Or does She identify as a Dominatrix in the traditional sense? She is unyielding, powerful and interested only in Her own pleasure whilst exerting total control over Her sub?


Most of U/us kinksters probably fall somewhere in the middle. How W/we identify might well change as time goes on and as a D/s relationship deepens. Many arrangements which begin as service Tops and fetishistic subs may later evolve into a more traditional Dominatrix and slave dynamic. Other Dommes and subs may always purely be playing, exploring specific fantasies together they both enjoy. I don’t believe this makes the exchange any less authentic, fulfilling or healing.

It would be a lie to say that paying submissive does not ‘employ’ his Domme and Her fetish services. Often it seems they are paying for the illusion of renouncing control, as opposed to actually renouncing it. What I find most intriguing about this is that a part of the service Dommes provide is pretending that isn’t the case. Many of Us Dommes will portray the image that We are always, without exception, in complete control. Projecting an image of being empowered and powerful is seen as essential to Our brand and to attracting new submissives.


But honestly… how many subs are genuinely looking for this extreme form of Domination? How many would pay upfront the large tribute Us Dommes demand and then be content with having absolutely no say whatsoever in how the session then unfolded. I doubt many would leave such an exchange feeling fulfilled or happy, but of course I could be wrong. If there is one thing I have learned in My time as a Pro Domme, it’s that there is a fetish for everything! I would also question the integrity of a Dominatrix who operated like this. Taking your cash then giving zero fucks about your desires or limits sounds more like abuse than BDSM to Me. Thankfully I have yet to personally meet any Dommes who fall into this category in My own career.


For Me personally, I see the majority of My sessions as a combined effort. A submissive who approaches Me saying 'whatever you want Mistress' is one of My biggest pet peeves. Being evasive just makes My job more difficult, as sadly I am not gifted with the ability to read minds. I much prefer someone who is a little more forthright in their interests and especially their limits. Who negotiates with My own likes and gives Me a framework to play within, whilst also leaving Me some freedom to be creative.

Until next time…

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