Vulnerability…

Vulnerability...

By MistressLolaRuin | April 26, 2022

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix - A Domme at work

When I first slipped on a pair of thigh highs over a decade ago, I learned that the men who came to see Me wanted a strong, powerful Woman. They wanted to place you on a pedestal, and use you like a blank screen they could project their fantasies onto. In order to be a successful Domme, you should curate every little glimpse they see to reflect that ideal. Under no circumstances, should you show any weakness or vulnerability.

For a long time, I believed that would be the only possible fantasy men could buy into, and I had to keep up with those smoke and mirrors.

As time went on and I became to question this ‘Dominant Ideal’ more and more. I wondered whether that was something I even bought into Myself. Not only was I the Dominant, but this was My career… could I make My own rules, and still pay My rent?

‘A successful Domme is the picture perfect image of success at all times.
Steely, traditional, hardcore and relentless…’

As a feminist, I also felt conflicted about being a sex worker… I was actively contributing to a highly sexualised view of women, and I grew more and more uneasy about that.

For a long time, I mulled over whether there was a way to humanise Myself more, but still keep those sessions coming to pay My bills. I wanted My followers to see Me and other sex workers as a whole humans, with lives and personalities which are complex and varied.

My work itself also evolved, and I realised how much emotional labour it really involved. Many slaves who came to see Me were not looking for a quick spanking and an orgasm in the corner. They wanted something more than that. They wanted a space which felt safe and intimate and freeing. With that in mind, approaching My work completely void of any real emotion felt fairly disingenuous.

BDSM should first and foremost be about trust and connection.
Once you have that, it paves the way for those therapeutic, cathartic experiences...

I slowly gained more confidence in Myself, and I began to show a little more personality. Little by little, I (willingly) let the façade slip. I began to write more personal blog posts, and spoke more openly about things I feel are important both in and outside BDSM.

When I did that, a funny thing happened. The more personal My blog posts were, the more popular they became. The more vulnerability I showed, the more that seemed to resonate with people. Prospective slaves began to seek Me out as a result of the thoughts and writings I had began to share. As I began to become more authentic and vulnerable in My work, that seemed to really strike a chord with My submissives.

Showing vulnerability as a Dominatrix can feel daunting,
when there is such pressure to be the perfect, Dominant ideal of men's fantasies...

The calibre of slaves who now approached Me dramatically improved. The more openly I talk about Myself, the more respectful and adoring My slaves became. I received less insulting comments or timewasters. I imagine they had begun to see Me as a whole, real person, and not as the perfect, latex clad, whip wielding indestructible Domme.

I talked openly about the importance of consent, relationship styles and mental health. As I did, I suddenly found My submissives were becoming not only more compatible with Me, but that they were opening up to Me more and more. They confined not only their innermost fantasies, but their own struggles. Many of them told Me they had never confined that in anyone else before. I am no therapist, but I think we can all agree from experience that sometimes just being able to speak aloud about your problems can be healing.

There is strength in being so open with another person, regardless of whether it’s a paid encounter or not. Feeling able to be vulnerable, in My experience, is far more often empowering than it isn’t. Beyond that, it fosters a sense of real trust. Even if a slave and I have never met before, they already feel a level of connection to Me because My writings have resonated with them.

As soon as I began to shake off the myth of the Unshakeable, World-Class Dominatrix,
My work became far more meaningful and real, for both Myself and My submissives...

I’m not a therapist, but I believe to the ground that a connection like D/s can be highly therapeutic for all involved. I love giving that space to My submissives, and developing a real sense of connection and trust with them. In fact, it’s probably what I love most about My work.

If I could give a single piece of advice to any apprising Dominant, it would be to be authentic to yourself, and not to an ideal which by definition is impossible to obtain. Speak freely about what matters to you, be strong enough to show vulnerability, and you’ll find that attracts the slaves you’ll love to play with…

“What happens when people open their hearts?"
"They get better.”
― Haruki Murakami

Until next time...

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‘RUIN’ Filmed by Duke

'RUIN' Filmed by Duke...

By MistressLolaRuin | April 26th, 2019

Manchester Dominatrix Mistress Lola Ruin
invites you to take a look behind the scenes of her Duke film, 'RUIN'...

For those of you who haven't heard of Duke or seen his work, he produces the most BEAUTIFUL, erotic promotional videos for sex workers. Ever since I saw his first film a few years ago, I knew I would love to work with him. You can check out some of his films here...

Visit Duke's Website

I decided to finally take the plunge, and book him for a 5 hour video shoot last month.

It began with the spark of an idea I had... A kinky homage to Madonna's 1990 'Justify My Love' music video, which was so sexually explicit it was banned by MTV. Although tame by today's standards, it's scenes of sadomasochism, voyeurism, homosexuality caused quite the stir when it was released in 1990 America. Obviously, it's worth a watch... 😉

Drawing on the storyline of a kinky encounter in a hotel, I also wanted to capture exactly what I am known for... teasing and ruining!

I sent Duke this short outline, along with my music choice, and he immediately responded saying how much he loved it! He advised that a short outline was probably enough to go on for the shoot, allowing us the spontaneity and creativity to play around on the day. We agreed a date, and I booked a beautiful hotel room to serve as our set.

The day arrived, and I checked into the hotel with my submissive. Duke arrived soon after, and whilst I finished getting ready and he set up we discussed the shoot, and which aspects of the Madonna video we liked, in more detail. There was a voyeuristic element we both wanted to capture. We had 5 hours of shoot time, so more than enough to get some beautiful shots.

Then, we began the actual filming. We went through scene by scene. My walking into the hotel with a mysterious suitcase. Meeting my submissive and teasing him before having him on his knees. Lacing him into some beautiful red rope-work. And of course, using my favourite toy to induce my favourite form of torment...

Of course, the day didn't go totally to plan... just after we had filmed the ruined orgasm scene, a deafening loud fire alarm rang throughout the hotel. My poor submissive, tied up in bondage and covered in his own ruined orgasm was suddenly faced with the possibility of heading out to the street assembly point! It did however turn out to be a false alarm, and my slave wasn't subjected to any public humiliation... such a shame 🙂

Beyond that, the shoot was a complete pleasure from start to finish. Duke brought my little spark of an idea to life and turned it into such a gorgeous film which I am so proud to share with all my followers.

For any fellow sex workers reading this blog, I can't recommend Duke highly enough. Putting both my submissive and I at ease right away, he was so welcoming and professional from start to finish. Not to mention, I couldn't be more thrilled with the final film he created for me, which perfectly hits that note of 'tastefully erotic' I was hoping for.

Until next time...

manchester mistress lola ruin logo

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Enjoyed this blog?
You may also like the following...

Ruined Orgasms
Behind The Scenes
My Love of Ruined Orgasm

My Love of Ruined Orgasm

My Love of Ruined Orgasm...

By MistressLolaRuin | August 1, 2018

Far and away, ruined orgasm is both My favourite way to torment, and what I am most famous for. Let this blog serve as an introduction to the ruining virgins amongst you loyal blog readers...

What is a ruined orgasm?

A ruined orgasm is achieved by taking away all stimulation at the ‘crucial moment’ of release. If done right, your orgasm will just trickle out. Whilst usually not painful physically, this is psychologically very tormenting. The usual pleasure you would receive from an orgasm is entirely missing. In fact, ruined orgasms tend to frustrate My submissives even more so. You can imagine how delighted this makes Me!

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Why do you love ruining orgasms so much?

There are numerous reasons why I find ruined orgasms so much fun to explore during My sessions. As a brief outline…

As a form of control and denial

Ruined orgasms are fairly tormenting, in the same way that chastity and edging are. It is serves to show you that your cock belongs to Me. That you will only receive pleasure when I decide so. Ruined orgasms are a teasing reminder of the control and power I have over you.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Having a ruined orgasm is frustrating

I often find My slaves far more obedient when their orgasm hangs in the balance. Frustrated slaves tend to make better slaves, and there is nothing more frustrating than ruining your orgasm.

Having a ruined orgasm is a mind fuck

To see yourself orgasm, but feel no release at all, is quite the mind fuck. To watch your cum slowly seep out of your cock as it twitches for the attention it so badly wants. Nothing brings Me more enjoyment than the look of turmoil on a slaves face as he watches his ruining trickle out of him.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

My Venus 2000 Milking Machine

Ruined orgasm sessions are the perfect occasion for Me to play with My Venus 2000 machine. Far and away My favourite bit of kit, it allows Me to milk you dry with the turn of a dial.

My Venus is even for slaves who have trouble keeping an erection. My milking machine will no doubt drag a ruining out of you, regardless of that!

The cruel element of surprise

Unlike other forms of torment, ruined orgasms need no preparation. Although I like to play with My Venus 2000, I don’t need to in order to ruin you.

And so, I have the freedom to choose whether to ruin you or not right up to the very last second.

How very cruel to allow you to think you would earn a release, only to let go at the critical moment…

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Ruined Orgasm Sessions

Ruined orgasms can be included in almost any kind of play or scenario. I find it goes very well with other forms of orgasm control or sensual domination. These kind of scenes include all My favourite ways to play.

Edging, chastity control, tease and denial, ‘milking’ scenes and cuckolding all play perfectly into the fetish of ruined orgasms.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

As a bonus, having a ruined orgasm doesn't mean you can't then also be rewarded with a full orgasm (or indeed, punished with further ruinings!). Ruining is the secret key to unlocking multiple male orgasms. If that isn't enough to convince you to try Ruined Orgasm, then I am not sure what else will...

Until next time…

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Questions & Answers…

Questions & Answers...

By MistressLolaRuin | February 26, 2018

Time for another Twitter 'Questions & Answers' blog, peppered with some snaps from My latest photoshoot for those of you who just come here to shamelessly perv...

What amuses you the most in a sub Miss Lola?

The look on their face when I ruin their orgasm... hysterical.

What is that you find the most enjoyable to do when dominating?

For Me, My enjoyment of Domination comes from the power exchange. My sessions tend to revolve around control rather than outright pain. Although I love to dish out a caning, I tend to find psychological domination more thrilling than physical. Even My sessions which are focused on pain tend to have a more psychological motivation to it as opposed to just 'pain for pains sake' (as in, training a submissive to take more cane strokes than last time, or using pain as a way for them to earn a reward). Sessions focusing on control in any and all forms, such as orgasm control/denial, chastity, edging, ruined orgasm, cuckolding, worship, tend to be My forte.

Is it a pain to clean whips or canes after a particularly brutal whipping/caning on a sub?

Not really. Sterilising is a fairly straightforward procedure. What can be more difficult is cleaning a room, especially after a brutal caning session or an aggressive sploshing session!

How do You get such a perfect body? How do you stay in such good shape?

I don't particularly watch what I eat, although I only eat plant-based food which I am sure helps. I don't do any regular exercise outside of the occasional yoga class. Annoyingly I am just one of those people who manages to stay fairly slim. I mostly put it down to good genes, although I am sure spending My teenage years dancing professionally helped Me attain such curvy leg muscles, and a stint of tightlacing when I was 17 helped shape Me a smaller waist.

How do you decide which implement to use to spank or whip someone?

Generally speaking I pick items I find the most pleasing to use, which depends on the implements. I like My floggers to be weighty but easy to swing. As it helps My aim, I prefer My canes on the medium-thin size, straight and short. I like paddles to be firm and rigid. I much prefer a wooden paddle over a floppy tawse or strap. If I am using a number of implements, I'll begin with the softest and work up to the hardest/most painful, unless I am feeling particularly cruel!

If you were 50 feet tall, what would You do?

Squish silly little subs under My pretty red toes, obviously... 🙂

Mistress what was the best first impression any sub ever made on you as a professional domme?

Many of My subs make a great first impression, it's actually surprisingly easy. The steps to making a great first impression with Me are...

  1. Following My booking procedure exactly as it is outlined. This generally starts with My slave application form. A clear, well written application which indicates you have read My website and you are already off to a great start.
  2. Following all subsequent instructions to the letter. Calling to confirm your session at the time requested. Not badgering Me with endless questions or requests. Always treating Me with respect and courtesy. Turning up to your session on time.
  3. I am not particularly interested in or adept at FinDom, however... slaves who bring Me a gift to their first session tend to impress Me. Not because they have spent extra money on Me, but because it demonstrates a certain approach to their submission immediately. They have taken the time to read My wishlist page. They've then gone into a shop and picked something with Me in mind. Even if that is a fairly inexpensive gift, such as a bathbomb from Lush or a small selection of vegan chocolates, they have already begun thinking of how to please Me before even meeting with Me. It demonstrates they are already taking initiative to prove themselves to Me. The seriousness in which they approach their first session with Me bodes well.
  4. Giving Me My tribute in a sealed envelope or a card. Again, not mandatory, but still shows some thoughtfulness and attention to detail/protocol.
  5. Throughout their session, they communicate clearly with Me. First sessions tend to be a little bit of a learning curve. Submissives who utilise the traffic light system of 'Green, Amber and Red' which I give them make My role as the Top easier and help Me to figure out where their soft and hard limits are. Of course I wish to push My submissives boundaries, but I still want for that to be clearly within the bounds of consent. Extreme limit pushing is something I personally feel best left for when I know them better. Submissives who are vocal about their limits both before and during O/our play help Me Top and help the session flow more smoothly.
  6. Although this perhaps doesn't count as contributing to a first impression, I especially like when My submissives email Me a day or so after their session to tell Me a little more about how their experience went. Once again, to Me this shows some level of protocol and communication which I find very appealing in My submissives.

What behaviour do You wish You saw more of?

Along with what I have outlined as above on making a good first impression, I wish that more prospective slaves understood how time consuming the administration of Pro-Domme work is, and acted accordingly. Succinct, concise and clear communication at all times. Gently reminding Me of any previous communication W/we may have had. I must have dozens of 'Steve's' in My contact list, and it can be difficult to keep track of each individual! Reading the FAQ on My website rather than asking Me to repeat that same answer over email. Googling answers to more general questions about BDSM. When My interactions with My slaves are easy (and not time consuming), I very much appreciate it.

Have you ever sat for your portrait?

The wonderful Sardax sketched Me in London a few months ago. I highly recommend you check out more of his amazing work at Sardax.com

 

What's it like being a Mistress on Twitter?

Fun! Twitter is a fantastic platform to connect with other Dommes and submissives. I love it.

Do crossdressers turn you on? Would you have a crossdresser as a boyfriend?

Yes and yes 🙂

When did you first get turned on by using strap ons? Have you always wanted to fuck men with strap-ons?

I wouldn't say I have always wanted to peg men specifically, but I have always had a keen interest in kinky sex. I think I first delved into the world of strap on play when I was 20/21. Sadly none of My partners prior to that were kinksters.

What do you think should be the punishment for rapists?

This is by far the most thought provoking question out of all the ones I received, and one I could probably write an entire blog on itself, especially in the wake of the #MeToo movement. I realise that you likely want Me to say castrate them. The truth is a really don't know, and I don't have a clear answer for this question.

I believe that justice should be survivor led... that it is really up to the victims of their crimes what action would help them make peace with what has happened to them. I personally have very mixed feelings about the prison system insofar as how much that actually aids any rehabilitation, but understand why so many survivors/victims feel it important to punish people who have committed such life altering crimes against them. There is also restorative justice and community/accountability processes which seem to be gaining some traction in more radical communities by centering survivors/victims, although I have mixed feelings on these too. I struggle to see any real middle ground, with the only thing I am certain on is that survivors/victims and their healing is what is important, much more than what the general public feels would be a just punishment.

I am also of the belief that much of the work to protect victims/survivors can be done before rape happens. Rethinking our reporting system and making it easier. Believing victims/survivors when they break the silence. Never ever questioning what actions they took or didn't took and how that contributed to a crime which was perpetrated against them (because the only reason people are raped is because someone decides to rape them, and it has fuck all to do with short skirts or alcohol).

Most rapists rape more than once, because we have a culture which lets them. Boys will be boys, locker room talk, the bro code. Rapists get away with their crimes over and over because even if their victims/survivors do speak up, the likelihood is they will not be  believed, they will never go through the court system and they will never face any kind of justice/punishment. At the very least, I think there should be some social repercussions to being a rapist.  If you see a friend being creepy, call it out. If you find out a friend has committed an assault, confront them, ostracise them... just do ~something~. Do not respond with silence, because your silence is code for your approval.

I don't see any clear answer for 'what the punishment for rapists should be' because I think victims/survivors healing is what matters. But I think having a culture which empowers victims/survivors to speak up and which has serious social consequences for people who commit rape is a bare minimum.

Until next time…

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Film Slaves…

Film Slaves...

By MistressLolaRuin August 8, 2017

I recently tweeted out asking if any potential fans would like to attend a filming day with Me. I got tons of interest, but as you can imagine, it felt very much like herding kittens!

I'd like to streamline this process, and open it up to others who don't follow Me on twitter (and therefore missed out on the opportunity!).

manchester dominatrix manchester mistress lola ruin 68

So, if you wish to be involved in any future filming dates, you can sign up to My 'Film Slave Mailing List' below. You are welcome to sign up regardless of whether W/we have ever sessioned or met previously. I will not require a tribute.

I do however have a few stipulations as to what I am looking for from My film slaves. Please read them carefully.

  • Far and away My favourite thing to film is ruined orgasm. Provided I can legally sell it and I believe My fans would enjoy it, I am open to indulging in you your fetishes too. However, if you're not down with ruined orgasms then it's really a no starter I'm afraid.
  • It's kinda important that you don't cum super easily. It's equally important that it doesn't take an hour of furious beating to make you reach orgasm. I usually like to make clips which last around 10/15 minutes. If that's how long you usually last too, then you would be perfect!
  • Filming is very different to the natural ambience of a session. If a lack of background music and an abundance of umbrella lighting is going to turn you off, you're better coming serve Me in session instead 🙂
  • My chambers are located in East Manchester. If you're local or visit Manchester regularly, great! Sadly I have zero plans to travel anywhere else to film. If you can't come to Me then you're not suited to being My film slave.
  • And, of course, it should go without saying that you are over 18!

One more, just because I am feeling generous...

If that all sounds good, then feel free to sign up below, and keep an eye on your emails for when I announce a filming day!

Mistress Lola Film Slave Mailing List

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Until next time…

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