The Perils of Dating as a Dominatrix...
| May 8, 2018
Dating as a Dominatrix can throw a lot of odd challenges your way. I know, because I've been doing it for the past 4 years.
My ex-boyfriend was submissive. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I believe this put an extra strain on our relationship. Our D/s dynamic often burned Me out, and (somewhat understandably), jealousy of My work crept in.
When we broke up, I decided there were two things I needed for Myself in My future relationships. Firstly, to not date anyone who identities solely as submissive. Secondly, to explore non-monogamy.
I hoped that sticking to these rules would stop any burn out and jealousy from creeping back into My relationships. Thankfully, it seems to have worked.
I date non-monogamously less so for an affinity to polyamory and more so because I don't believe in monogamy. I care more about honesty than fidelity, and I don't think W/we are naturally monogamous creatures.
Over half a decade of Topping (mostly) married men for cash has only confirmed this. Plus, it's a safe bet that partner who is down with Me fucking other people for fun is probably going to be chill with Me Domming guys for money.
I hold pretty high standards when it comes to who I spend My time with. My job is such a source of pleasure for Me, that more often than not I would rather spend time working than dating. So many times I have been on awful dates, and the thought crosses My mind on how much more I would prefer to be at home, editing clips or rinsing My subbies.
As I already have a few lovely connections in My life, I'm in no rush to find another. I feel more fulfilled being productive than on a lack lustre date. That's still the case even when I am single, as being brought up as an only child means I am fairly content in My own company. As a result, I don't date all that often.
Coming Out as a Sex Worker
Occasionally though, I do get the urge to get dressed up and be wined and dined. Choosing who I’d like to indulge in that with can be, at times, disheartening. Dating as a Dominatrix can throw a lot of odd challenges your way. Such an unsuaul line of work tends to attract unusual responses. Thankfully, it can also be a blessing…
I am incredibly open about what I do for a living. Sex work is an understandable deal breaker, and I have no desire to waste anyone's time (least of all My own). If they’re not cool with My passion, then it’s really a no starter. I have no energy for men who are jealous or intimidated or ignorant about what I do.
So, I tell everyone pretty much straight away. It’s fairly easy, as ‘What do you do?’ is often one of the first questions asked. After My confession, prospective lovers need to tread a thin line when it comes to their response, and a lot lose My interest immediately…
The Secret Submissive
I guess if you're a submissive looking for a kinky girlfriend, it can be exciting seeing a Domme in the dating wild. Finally, someone who understands My kinks! They get so carried away with the thrill of seeing someone so openly perverted, they forget I'm an actual human.
Often I receive a frantically typed out a message in awe of what I do for a living. An essay detailing all of their deepest darkest kinks, peppered with highly intimate questions about My own sexuality.
Of course, women in vanilla jobs have to put up with their fair share of sexually charged messages. However, when you out yourself as a sex worker it almost always changes the tone of the conversation. I am no longer a girl they are chatting to on a dating website. I’m an object for them to project their fantasies onto. They tend to sexualise Me even more than My paying subs... What a turn off.
The upside of this is how easily they weed themselves out. After I’ve ignored all the hyper sexualised messages, I tend to only have curious, kink friendly, open-minded people left. My ideal would be someone who finds My job intellectually interesting but not particularly arousing (at least at first…).
I love to discuss the psychology of fetishes. How a formative moment in early childhood has the potential to alter someones sexuality throughout their adult life. Someone equally interested in the psychology of BDSM usually makes for great conversation over dinner and drinks.
Although I am upfront about how I have no interest in dating someone who isn’t down with sex work, I also get messages from these exact people. How they couldn’t possibly date Me because of the work I do. Asking Me why I have such low self respect (honestly laughable considering My hourly rate…!). How they don’t understand BDSM or how someone charge for it, even less so pay for it.
These overtly moralistic messages get deleted immediately. Engaging and/or educating them is too draining.
Of all these kind of judgemental messages, there is one kind that irks Me more than any other. Those who pretend to be progressive, whilst denigrating other forms of sex work. ‘I’m cool with the fact you’re a Dominatrix, but I could never date someone who *escorts/erotic massages/strips/etc*’.
Talking shit about My fellow sex workers with an undertone of ‘doing Me a favour by considering dating Me’ is a sure fire way to offend Me. I am not one of these Dommes who likes to kid themselves into thinking what I do isn't sexual. Plus, I have far too many friends who work as escorts and I don't want a partner who judges them. I also don't want someone who is going to become all weird and jealous should I decide to branch out into another form of sex work in the future.
As with the horny submissives, judgemental folks reveal themselves fairly quickly, leaving behind only the real progressives. So many others have confessed how their previous (or current) partners have engaged in sex work. To this day, My favourite ever response to My work was a guy who immediately dove into his (well informed) knowledge of the sex worker rights movement.