Orgasm Control

In-depth Exploration of Orgasm Control in BDSM: Unraveling the Intricacies of Edging, Chastity, Ruined Orgasms, Forced Orgasms, and Post-Orgasm Torment

If you have followed me for long enough, you’re likely already familiar with the concept of Orgasm Control. However, for those uninitiated, or those wanting to dive deeper into this fascinating form of play (which also happens to be my personal favourite and forte), this blog is just for you. Your first order is to view my wishlist, apply online to be my servant, and book in person sessions.

Orgasm control is all about the thrilling power dynamics surrounding the timing and nature of a person’s orgasm, and covers a range of different activities and techniques. This style of play can provide an incredibly rewarding experience for all involved, heightening any eventual and deepening your submission to me. Simultaneously, it can be intensely frustrating, creating a unique form of pleasure drawn from the denial of orgasm and the building of tension and anticipation. In this comprehensive blog post, we will delve deeper into various orgasm control practices within BDSM, exploring their nuances and discussing the transformative benefits they can bring to your BDSM sessions.

Edging: The Delicate Dance of Anticipation

Edging, a widely practiced and wildly popular form of orgasm control, is all about a delicate dance of anticipation. This technique involves taking a person tantalizingly close to the brink of orgasm, only to withdraw all stimulation before they finally cross the threshold into climax. This can be accomplished manually through a partner’s skilled touch or by employing sex toys such as vibrators and milking machines.

The overarching aim of edging is to intensify tension, anticipation and frustration which culminates in an eventual orgasm that is far more potent and gratifying than a typical climax. Naturally, the more edgings you have, usually the more intense that final release will be (if I allow you to have release at all… I have been known to send submissives away completely denied on my more sadistic days!)

Chastity: The Power of Sexual Denial

Chastity is another popular form of orgasm control. It involves the use of a specially designed device, commonly referred to as a chastity cage. This device effectively prevents the wearer from touching or stimulating their genitals, in fact it can even stop you from getting an erection (and some cages are designed to be especially painful when you do).

This ties in with the concept of ‘key holding’. The key to this cage is held by your Mistress, who decides if and when you are to be unlocked at all. This is a powerful form of control, and the intensity of chastity play is second to none. When the submissive is denied any and all forms of sexual release until the Mistress allows it, it has the tendency to really increase your focus and obedience to her.

However, I will offer a warning that chastity is one of those fantasies which sometimes doesn’t quite translate to reality for some. Whilst the thought of wearing a cock cage for your Dommes seems super-hot in a horny moment, waking up with a painful erection and no way to unlock can really break that fantasy. My advice is to take your time, slowly introducing chastity into your sessions, then short bursts of your daily life, before getting locked up for longer stretches. Easing into chastity gradually is definitely the best way of testing how much of this fantasy you can handle in real life.

Ruined Orgasms: The Bittersweet Symphony of Frustration

Ruined orgasms offer a unique and playful twist on orgasm control (and is my personal favourite way to torment my submissives!). This method involves taking a person right up to the very cusp of orgasm and then abruptly stopping all stimulation just before they climax. Unlike edging, where the aim is complete denial, a ruined orgasm involves continued stimulation for just a few extra seconds beyond the edge, leading to a smaller and much less satisfying orgasm.

This can be an incredibly frustrating experience, feeling more like a very intense edging than an actual release for the person being stimulated, yet paradoxically, it can also be highly arousing, adding a bittersweet symphony to the session. Often you can continue playing beyond ruined orgasms, giving yet more edgings and ruinings without the usual refractory period. Mostly, I just find it hilarious to watch you be completely mind fucked as you witness yourself have an orgasm but feel none of the pleasurable release you usually do!

Forced Orgasms: The Erotic Overload

Forced orgasms form another variant of orgasm control that involves stimulating a person until they achieve orgasm, regardless of their readiness or willingness to climax. As with other forms of orgasm control, this can be achieved with manual stimulation or toys such as vibrators, but I think this is best suited to milking machines. Something about being hooked up to a machine designed to make you orgasm regardless of your willingness certainly helps you feel more vulnerable and obedience to the Mistress controlling it!

Forced orgasms can lead to an overwhelming sensory experience, as the person being stimulated loses control over their timing. This type of play pushes the boundaries of pleasure, leading to an erotic overload that can be incredibly intense, particularly if it comes at the very end of a prolonged period in chastity, finally unlocked and given some extended edging and ruined orgasms first!

Post-Orgasm Torment: Pleasure and Pain in Unison

Post-orgasm torment is a type of orgasm control that involves continued stimulation after a person has already climaxed. Which often leads to a highly intense experience. For some, the pleasure derived from an orgasm is so powerful that any additional stimulation post-climax can be almost unbearable as you are so sensitive to any form of touch. A perfect way to add a little dash of pain into the mix of orgasm control play, and especially good for those who enjoy other forms of CBT yet cannot be left with any marks. This practice really blurs the lines between pleasure and pain, adding an extra level of intensity and heat to orgasm control sessions.

The Multidimensional Benefits of Orgasm Control Play

Embracing orgasm control play can offer a wealth of benefits for the submissive. The act of being denied sexual release can be intensely arousing. The tension and anticipation that build up from all this denial can create a heightened sense of expectancy, making the eventual release even more satisfying. It’s also my experience that this level of play is excellent for those who aren’t so much into pain or who cannot be left with any marks, and yet still want to experience a real loss of control and power. The denial of pleasure can be far more intense than the dishing out of pain if done correctly, and on top of that I find it really does encourage you to be on your best behaviour. Denial helps you to focus, increase your obedience, your obsession, and your submission.

Conclusion

By exploring various forms of orgasm control—such as edging, chastity, ruined orgasms, forced orgasms, and post-orgasm torment—you can deepen your submission while embarking on a journey of sexual discovery as guided by an expert Dominatrix. These practices allow you to push boundaries, explore new sensations, and unlock new levels of trust and vulnerability.

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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In Defence Of Porn…

In Defence Of Porn...

By MistressLolaRuin July 21, 2017

I recently read this article, and have been inspired (/incensed?) to respond here on My blog...

Porn warps culture. I hope credit-card checks nudge adults out of the habit
by Christina Patterson

Firstly, let Me say that although I (currently) only make non-nude, fetish/FemDom content, I stand in solidarity with ALL porn performers. I very much class Myself as both a sex worker and a pornographer. All of us in the industry are subject to a society which at once consumes the content we produce, whilst also criminalising us and decrying us for producing it. Let Me also say, that I have mixed feelings about the digital economy bill. For those unaware, the bill will require age proof of age *** on all pornographic content. Websites which refuse to comply will be blocked in the UK. This may well include My website, which you're reading this blog on right now.

I have yet to read any real, unbiased study stating that children are adversely affected by viewing pornography. But, I also don't believe that a lack of such evidence means porn is good for children to be viewing. If anyone can point Me in the direction of any such studies, then I would love to hear from you...

Although it will adversely impact Me and My business, I agree with the idea that porn should probably be less available to children. But... I also believe that blocking websites and other such censorship is a violation of liberty. As so eloquently put by activists such as Pandora Blake and Myles Jackson, porn is the 'canary in the coalmine' of free speech. Censorship of porn may well be the thin end of the wedge... What might our government decide we shouldn't be viewing next?

I feel somewhat personally 'protective' over porn. Not simply because I make it, but because I believe it has had a positive impact on Me and My sexuality. I have spent the majority of the past few years either single or in long distance relationships. Porn has helped Me explore and enjoy My sexuality without needing to resort to casual sex with near strangers. Porn helped Me to understand My body and how it responds to pleasure. It has taught Me how to make Myself orgasm more easily, and how to then better instruct My lovers. The sex I have with partners is better and healthier as a result of masturbation, which has been aided in part by pornography (and My hitachi wand 🙂 )

So, now you know a little more about My own outlook, let's dive into this terrible article together.

Christina Patterson makes sweeping statements that children copy what they see in porn. That porn teaches them to disregard consent. That children believe violence and screaming are a normal part of sex. That sexual harassment in schools is becoming ever more normalised by porn. That children are being stripped of their childhoods.

This is presented with NO evidence at all (unless you count those unnamed 'expert witnesses'), but I'll bite anyway.

It may well be that children are copying what they see in porn. That they now believe screaming or violence is a normal part of it. That they are disregarding consent as a result. But in the absence of any real sex education telling them otherwise, where else do you expect children to learn about this?

It's also worth noting, whilst on the topic of violence in pornography, that there's actually much than you might initially think. This article by Psychology Today (debunking a study claiming 88% of porn shows violence against women) looks across 5 peer review studies. They found violence against women in 2%-36% of porn. The disparity between these studies findings is generally a result of what the examiners class as 'violence'. That study that found only 2% of pornography showing violence against women? That was the only study which didn't class consensual BDSM as violence.

I was a female school child before the age of the internet, and I suffered sexual harassment at school. Most of My female friends did too... this is, sadly, hardly a new phenomenon. I don't want to make light of a serious issue, and I accept perhaps porn is now adding to a hyper sexualised culture, but this problem already existed long before hardcore pornography was so readily available. Blaming porn entirely is just scapegoating.

For Me, it's clear that there is a huge failure in our education system. For some reason entirely unknown to Me, there seems to be a moral outrage at giving our children anything more than the bare minimum in reproductive biology. God forbid they might go on to make informed choices about their bodies, their sex lives or their relationships in the future...

Patterson quite boldly claims that 'porn warps'. She states that PornHubs most popular search terms of 'crying in pain', 'extreme brutal gangbang', 'sleep assault', 'step mum' and 'teen' as her evidence.

Here are the actual most searched terms reported by PornHub in the UK last year...

This is taken from PornHubs 2016 Year in Review, which I highly recommend you take the time to browse over yourself, it's fascinating... https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2016-year-in-review

'Step Mum' comes in at #5, and 'Teen' is the second most popular category. The far more offensive and violent search terms of 'crying in pain', 'extreme brutal gangbang' and 'sleep assault' are funnily enough nowhere to be seen. I guess reporting the truth (that people like watching sexy videos of massages and british chavs) just doesn't quite paint the panicked picture Patterson would like.

Under the digital economy bill, you may to need to jump through a few hoops to get your porn. They may ask for credit card details and charge a small fee. You'll be leaving a bigger 'porn footprint' as a result. Patterson especially relishes in how this might show up on bank accounts and be seen 'by wives'.

Not only does this insinuate that only men consume pornography, but it also ignores some more dangerous personal implications. Imagine how homophobic parents of a 19 year old teen might react if they see a bank statement with a payment to a gay pornography website? Or how highly traditional parents might react to their adult child's donation to a kink or trans website?

Just under 1/4 of PornHubs visits are by women. Men are clearly not the only ones who consume pornography...

Patterson claims that she doubts people who consume porn remain loving partners and pillars of society. I am both a producer and consumer of pornography. By Pattersons standards, that probably makes Me the lowest of the low. The reality is a different picture. I am a very loving partner, not only in My personal life, but to My paying slaves. Open communication and consent is at the forefront of every interaction I have, sexual or paid. I educate about consent at every chance I get.

Perhaps there aren't many people would class Me as a 'pillar of society', but I am certainly not a menace to it. I was able to financially, physically and emotionally support My parents through My dads illness thanks to My work. I've also supported past partners/friends through tough times when they might have otherwise fallen through the cracks of this 'society' Patterson cares so much about. I get lots of free time, and I spend some of that giving my time to a charity which works to support some of the most at risk women in My city. Maybe it's irrelevant, but I also paid more taxes in 2014 than Facebook (like many Pro-Dommes I imagine). But hey, fuck all that, because every now and again I like to watch sexy videos.

I don't say any of that to win any accolades. Almost everyone I know, including My own fans, are loving, kind and generous people. They care deeply about the people around them and about society as a whole. The fact they like to get their rocks off to porn on occasion doesn't make them monsters. To shame the viewers of pornography and paint them as demons to society is both wrong and disgusting.

Patterson says the internet inventor Tim-Berners-Lee probably didn't dream of a wild west that would do us so much harm, and that she can't wait for the day when we're all a little bit less free. Funnily enough, when the 'porn filters' came out back in 2013, they didn't just block adult content. They also blocked helpful sex education websites aimed at teenagers, such as the charity Brook. Blocked websites also include support forums for lesbians, gays, trans, queer and intersex people. They even blocked NHS pages aimed at providing teenagers with sexual health education. That doesn't much sound to Me like the 'open platform that would allow everyone, everywhere, to share information, access opportunities, and collaborate across geographic and cultural boundaries' that Tim Berners-Lee imagined either.

What Patterson handily misses out from the NSPCC report is...

"Children and young people want information, advice and support about porn that is suitable for different ages and genders. They want to be able to easily get safe, reliable and private information that is fun and relevant to them"

My advice to those with Christina Pattersons view is this... how about instead of spending all that time and energy blaming pornography, and decrying all porn producers and porn consumers as deviants, you start canvassing for real, innovative and comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in our schools? Because honestly, without that, what other frame of reference have children got for sex other than porn? The digital economy bill may well stop kids stumbling across porn by mistake. But it won't stop them searching for it using VPN's because they have no other information about sex to learn from.

I imagine we would all be much happier and healthier if we have gotten real sex education at school.

Imagine sex education classes for our children which don't just teach about biology, but help children to learn about their relationships to other people and to their own bodies. How important it is to recognise and set your own boundaries, and to respect other peoples. Teach them all about the nuances of consent, and give them tools on how to navigate it.

Certainly teach them about the risks of STI/STD's, but also teach them about the unfair stigma attached to many of them. Give them advice about contraception which will protect them, and the importance of regular STI testing and cervical screenings. Teach young women they shouldn't feel shame about their sexual desires or their bodies. Teach young men to respect women, and to embrace and vocalise their emotions. Have them learn about the entire spectrum of alternative sexuality. Teach them that falling under the LBTQIA+ umbrella is both normal and natural. Give them resources for further support if they need it.

Most crucially, teach children that porn is a fantasy made by and for adults. That sometimes, what we see in porn is not what is most enjoyable. It's about what looks best for the camera. That porn often bears as little likeness to real life sex as the latest Quentin Tarantino film bears to real life in general. I know for a fact how much I would have personally benefited from such an education.

I am hopeful, but sadly I think we are a long way off this being the reality.
Advocating for proper sex education, instead of inciting moral panic, just wouldn't get as many clicks through to the Guardians website...

(Image credit for this beauty goes to John Jonik)


Until next time…

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My Love of Ruined Orgasm

My Love of Ruined Orgasm...

By MistressLolaRuin | August 1, 2018

Far and away, ruined orgasm is both My favourite way to torment, and what I am most famous for. Let this blog serve as an introduction to the ruining virgins amongst you loyal blog readers...

What is a ruined orgasm?

A ruined orgasm is achieved by taking away all stimulation at the ‘crucial moment’ of release. If done right, your orgasm will just trickle out. Whilst usually not painful physically, this is psychologically very tormenting. The usual pleasure you would receive from an orgasm is entirely missing. In fact, ruined orgasms tend to frustrate My submissives even more so. You can imagine how delighted this makes Me!

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Why do you love ruining orgasms so much?

There are numerous reasons why I find ruined orgasms so much fun to explore during My sessions. As a brief outline…

As a form of control and denial

Ruined orgasms are fairly tormenting, in the same way that chastity and edging are. It is serves to show you that your cock belongs to Me. That you will only receive pleasure when I decide so. Ruined orgasms are a teasing reminder of the control and power I have over you.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Having a ruined orgasm is frustrating

I often find My slaves far more obedient when their orgasm hangs in the balance. Frustrated slaves tend to make better slaves, and there is nothing more frustrating than ruining your orgasm.

Having a ruined orgasm is a mind fuck

To see yourself orgasm, but feel no release at all, is quite the mind fuck. To watch your cum slowly seep out of your cock as it twitches for the attention it so badly wants. Nothing brings Me more enjoyment than the look of turmoil on a slaves face as he watches his ruining trickle out of him.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

My Venus 2000 Milking Machine

Ruined orgasm sessions are the perfect occasion for Me to play with My Venus 2000 machine. Far and away My favourite bit of kit, it allows Me to milk you dry with the turn of a dial.

My Venus is even for slaves who have trouble keeping an erection. My milking machine will no doubt drag a ruining out of you, regardless of that!

The cruel element of surprise

Unlike other forms of torment, ruined orgasms need no preparation. Although I like to play with My Venus 2000, I don’t need to in order to ruin you.

And so, I have the freedom to choose whether to ruin you or not right up to the very last second.

How very cruel to allow you to think you would earn a release, only to let go at the critical moment…

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

Ruined Orgasm Sessions

Ruined orgasms can be included in almost any kind of play or scenario. I find it goes very well with other forms of orgasm control or sensual domination. These kind of scenes include all My favourite ways to play.

Edging, chastity control, tease and denial, ‘milking’ scenes and cuckolding all play perfectly into the fetish of ruined orgasms.

Ruined Orgasm Manchester Mistress Lola Ruin

As a bonus, having a ruined orgasm doesn't mean you can't then also be rewarded with a full orgasm (or indeed, punished with further ruinings!). Ruining is the secret key to unlocking multiple male orgasms. If that isn't enough to convince you to try Ruined Orgasm, then I am not sure what else will...

Until next time…

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Questions & Answers…

Questions & Answers...

By MistressLolaRuin | February 26, 2018

Time for another Twitter 'Questions & Answers' blog, peppered with some snaps from My latest photoshoot for those of you who just come here to shamelessly perv...

What amuses you the most in a sub Miss Lola?

The look on their face when I ruin their orgasm... hysterical.

What is that you find the most enjoyable to do when dominating?

For Me, My enjoyment of Domination comes from the power exchange. My sessions tend to revolve around control rather than outright pain. Although I love to dish out a caning, I tend to find psychological domination more thrilling than physical. Even My sessions which are focused on pain tend to have a more psychological motivation to it as opposed to just 'pain for pains sake' (as in, training a submissive to take more cane strokes than last time, or using pain as a way for them to earn a reward). Sessions focusing on control in any and all forms, such as orgasm control/denial, chastity, edging, ruined orgasm, cuckolding, worship, tend to be My forte.

Is it a pain to clean whips or canes after a particularly brutal whipping/caning on a sub?

Not really. Sterilising is a fairly straightforward procedure. What can be more difficult is cleaning a room, especially after a brutal caning session or an aggressive sploshing session!

How do You get such a perfect body? How do you stay in such good shape?

I don't particularly watch what I eat, although I only eat plant-based food which I am sure helps. I don't do any regular exercise outside of the occasional yoga class. Annoyingly I am just one of those people who manages to stay fairly slim. I mostly put it down to good genes, although I am sure spending My teenage years dancing professionally helped Me attain such curvy leg muscles, and a stint of tightlacing when I was 17 helped shape Me a smaller waist.

How do you decide which implement to use to spank or whip someone?

Generally speaking I pick items I find the most pleasing to use, which depends on the implements. I like My floggers to be weighty but easy to swing. As it helps My aim, I prefer My canes on the medium-thin size, straight and short. I like paddles to be firm and rigid. I much prefer a wooden paddle over a floppy tawse or strap. If I am using a number of implements, I'll begin with the softest and work up to the hardest/most painful, unless I am feeling particularly cruel!

If you were 50 feet tall, what would You do?

Squish silly little subs under My pretty red toes, obviously... 🙂

Mistress what was the best first impression any sub ever made on you as a professional domme?

Many of My subs make a great first impression, it's actually surprisingly easy. The steps to making a great first impression with Me are...

  1. Following My booking procedure exactly as it is outlined. This generally starts with My slave application form. A clear, well written application which indicates you have read My website and you are already off to a great start.
  2. Following all subsequent instructions to the letter. Calling to confirm your session at the time requested. Not badgering Me with endless questions or requests. Always treating Me with respect and courtesy. Turning up to your session on time.
  3. I am not particularly interested in or adept at FinDom, however... slaves who bring Me a gift to their first session tend to impress Me. Not because they have spent extra money on Me, but because it demonstrates a certain approach to their submission immediately. They have taken the time to read My wishlist page. They've then gone into a shop and picked something with Me in mind. Even if that is a fairly inexpensive gift, such as a bathbomb from Lush or a small selection of vegan chocolates, they have already begun thinking of how to please Me before even meeting with Me. It demonstrates they are already taking initiative to prove themselves to Me. The seriousness in which they approach their first session with Me bodes well.
  4. Giving Me My tribute in a sealed envelope or a card. Again, not mandatory, but still shows some thoughtfulness and attention to detail/protocol.
  5. Throughout their session, they communicate clearly with Me. First sessions tend to be a little bit of a learning curve. Submissives who utilise the traffic light system of 'Green, Amber and Red' which I give them make My role as the Top easier and help Me to figure out where their soft and hard limits are. Of course I wish to push My submissives boundaries, but I still want for that to be clearly within the bounds of consent. Extreme limit pushing is something I personally feel best left for when I know them better. Submissives who are vocal about their limits both before and during O/our play help Me Top and help the session flow more smoothly.
  6. Although this perhaps doesn't count as contributing to a first impression, I especially like when My submissives email Me a day or so after their session to tell Me a little more about how their experience went. Once again, to Me this shows some level of protocol and communication which I find very appealing in My submissives.

What behaviour do You wish You saw more of?

Along with what I have outlined as above on making a good first impression, I wish that more prospective slaves understood how time consuming the administration of Pro-Domme work is, and acted accordingly. Succinct, concise and clear communication at all times. Gently reminding Me of any previous communication W/we may have had. I must have dozens of 'Steve's' in My contact list, and it can be difficult to keep track of each individual! Reading the FAQ on My website rather than asking Me to repeat that same answer over email. Googling answers to more general questions about BDSM. When My interactions with My slaves are easy (and not time consuming), I very much appreciate it.

Have you ever sat for your portrait?

The wonderful Sardax sketched Me in London a few months ago. I highly recommend you check out more of his amazing work at Sardax.com

 

What's it like being a Mistress on Twitter?

Fun! Twitter is a fantastic platform to connect with other Dommes and submissives. I love it.

Do crossdressers turn you on? Would you have a crossdresser as a boyfriend?

Yes and yes 🙂

When did you first get turned on by using strap ons? Have you always wanted to fuck men with strap-ons?

I wouldn't say I have always wanted to peg men specifically, but I have always had a keen interest in kinky sex. I think I first delved into the world of strap on play when I was 20/21. Sadly none of My partners prior to that were kinksters.

What do you think should be the punishment for rapists?

This is by far the most thought provoking question out of all the ones I received, and one I could probably write an entire blog on itself, especially in the wake of the #MeToo movement. I realise that you likely want Me to say castrate them. The truth is a really don't know, and I don't have a clear answer for this question.

I believe that justice should be survivor led... that it is really up to the victims of their crimes what action would help them make peace with what has happened to them. I personally have very mixed feelings about the prison system insofar as how much that actually aids any rehabilitation, but understand why so many survivors/victims feel it important to punish people who have committed such life altering crimes against them. There is also restorative justice and community/accountability processes which seem to be gaining some traction in more radical communities by centering survivors/victims, although I have mixed feelings on these too. I struggle to see any real middle ground, with the only thing I am certain on is that survivors/victims and their healing is what is important, much more than what the general public feels would be a just punishment.

I am also of the belief that much of the work to protect victims/survivors can be done before rape happens. Rethinking our reporting system and making it easier. Believing victims/survivors when they break the silence. Never ever questioning what actions they took or didn't took and how that contributed to a crime which was perpetrated against them (because the only reason people are raped is because someone decides to rape them, and it has fuck all to do with short skirts or alcohol).

Most rapists rape more than once, because we have a culture which lets them. Boys will be boys, locker room talk, the bro code. Rapists get away with their crimes over and over because even if their victims/survivors do speak up, the likelihood is they will not be  believed, they will never go through the court system and they will never face any kind of justice/punishment. At the very least, I think there should be some social repercussions to being a rapist.  If you see a friend being creepy, call it out. If you find out a friend has committed an assault, confront them, ostracise them... just do ~something~. Do not respond with silence, because your silence is code for your approval.

I don't see any clear answer for 'what the punishment for rapists should be' because I think victims/survivors healing is what matters. But I think having a culture which empowers victims/survivors to speak up and which has serious social consequences for people who commit rape is a bare minimum.

Until next time…

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My submissive experience…

My submissive experience...

By MistressLolaRuin July 11, 2017

As a little backstory to this blog, those of you who follow Me on twitter will have seen I have recently been the subject of harassment. I use recently as a loose term, as this person in question has been hounding Me for well over a year. He has contacted Me through My website, My niteflirt account, My email, and now Twitter. He has also tried to canvass over Dommes and even My submissives. The backstory is that I was briefly in discussion with him regarding a custom clip he wanted, with Me starring as a submissive. I turned him down, as what he wanted was well beyond My comfort limits. It has, however, inspired Me to write this. I thought you loyal readers may find it interesting to hear of My limited experience in your shoes.

Fresh faced, slightly intoxicated, and rocking some steampunk ropework...

I have never been a natural submissive. When I first discovered BDSM with My ex-partner in My early 20's, he identified solely as submissive, and this suited Me perfectly. It allowed Me to really explore and develop My style as a Domme (which has continued to evolve throughout My career). One night, being the adventurous couple W/we were, we decided to attempt switching. He put My legs in a binder, tied My hands up and behind My head and slipped a blindfold on Me. 30 seconds later, if that, I safeworded. An overwhelming sense of claustrophobia struck Me. We didn't ever try switching again.

My ex-partner and I parted ways a few years after that, and I began to explore My sexuality as a single person. I decided that I would try to avoid dating anyone who identified solely as submissive. Topping at both work and at home was burning Me out. As you can imagine though, when you are so open about being a Dominatrix, attracting partners who aren't submissive can be somewhat difficult 🙂

I thought that perhaps I would try submission again, now a few years after My last attempt. I find shibari both artistic and relaxing, so I've quite enjoyed being tied up a few times. During My trip to Thailand last year I took part in a 6 hour long, meditative shibari session. Although good experiences, these were really lacking of any D/s dynamic.

I also dabbled with a couple of casual partners who indulged My desire to try subbing. I've probably tried it four or five times total. To be completely honest, I spent most occasions (silently) critiquing technique and comparing it to what I would do...! Sadly, it is difficult not to when you are submitting to someone much less experienced at Topping than you are.

My first attempt at suspension.

My desire to have a more successful, enjoyable attempt grew. You'll often hear people categorise the submissives of Pro-Dommes as powerful, Type-A, business types, looking for release from their high pressure lives (although I'm of the opinion that the high tributes Us Dommes demand may well make that a biased sample!). My work was becoming more demanding each year. More and more men were submitting to My every whim and paying Me for the privilege. Psychologically, the idea of giving up control to someone else was becoming more and more attractive, as it was in stark contrast to the rest of My life. Like My type-A subs, I started to see such an experience as 'freeing'.

Then last year I had a potential submissive contact Me asking for a 'switch' session, whereby I would sub to him for the first half, before getting My own back as a Top the second half. The activities he wanted to explore with Me as a submissive were all fairly soft and within My limits, so I agreed. It sounded like a fun session.

A little snap of My marks after My switch session...

Afterwards, I received an email from the same person, saying that he felt much more naturally Dom than he anticipated, and would I consider doing a purely submissive session. As I had already seen him in a switch capacity, and knew his style of Topping suited Me, I said yes. The prospect of exploring submission excited Me. We embarked on a lengthy email conversation, discussing each and every possible activity. I had to think long and hard about what I was willing to do, what I was willing to try, and what I absolutely would not do under any circumstances. His interests aligned perfectly with My limits, and I agreed to 'tutor' him in certain activities so he would know how to do it safely.

We embarked on a series of sessions with Me as the submissive. I was spanked and whipped. Given homework and cleaning tasks. I had hot wax poured over Me, and cold glasses of water thrown over Me. Bound with rope, I tried 'predicament bondage'. I took the cane. My sessions as a submissive explored lots of other things too, but I won't go into too much detail here out of respect and discretion for My Dom. Plus, I'd like to leave your imaginations running a little 😉

Some of the shibari I did in Thailand...

I found a new understanding of what it was like to submit to someone without there being a more sexual aspect to it. It was an interesting experience, being paid to partake in a non-sexual, purely D/s relationship. There were times where I felt this wonderful urge to be good submissive and please My Dominant. There were also times where I found submitting very difficult. I felt somewhat conflicted about accepting payment for something which, at certain points, I did not enjoy. It seemed very much against My work ethos.

Our sessions eventually came to a mutual end. During O/our last session, I felt as though a boundary was crossed (albeit in a minor way). I safeworded, W/we discussed it, and he apologised profusely. Even so, this dampened My trust in My Top. Along with occasionally feeling conflicted about O/our sessions, after that incident I decided that I would likely turn down a future session if He asked for one, but he didn't book in again after that anyway. I think by that point W/we had both gotten all that W/we could from O/our sessions together.

I never advertised that I was doing submissive sessions, and I still don't. To Me, O/our dynamic felt like a one-off. We had spent so much time negotiating limits and that had built up a certain amount of trust between U/us. I also quite firmly believe that My low pain threshold generally makes Me an unsuitable professional submissive. Obviously submissives charge even more than Dominatrixes. I felt like the majority of those looking for a professional submissive would likely want to explore much harder activities than I am comfortable with.

Do I feel as though My few experiences as a submissive has made Me a better Top? Honestly... not really. I gained a little more understanding of Myself, and I gained a little bit of insight into what it is like for My submissives to visit Me, but I don't believe you need to have been a submissive to be a good Domme. To My mind, what makes a great Domme more than experience as a submissive is empathy. When I am caning a submissive, I am doing so whilst reading their body language, checking in verbally if needed, imagining how it feels for them (and obviously enjoying Myself!). I rarely think back to when I took it Myself.

Being on the receiving end of the cane did not teach Me how to administer a caning either empathetically OR safely. Years of practise fuelled by enjoyment did.

Probably the most public display of submission you will ever see from Me... at the Spankathon Porn Protest in 2015

With regards to subbing in the future, I would still like to find someone I could explore submitting with on a personal, perhaps more sexual level. I'm adventurous, and I like experimenting. But, I imagine they would have to be pretty special for it to work judging by all My past experiences... I continue to be a very fussy submissive 🙂

Until next time…

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