FemDom, Power and Submission to your Domme

Hello all, I wanted to discuss the truth about BDSM communities and The Physiology of Play!

What kind of services do you desire the most? On My website you can order custom video clips, what would you like me to do or say? Here you can view my wishlist, and apply online to be my servant.

Femme Domme Sessions In Person – Manchester Incalls

When in person sessions are booked online, you’ll only be speaking with myself during the process. I’ll be asking some questions to uncover your secret needs, and together we can plan our meeting at my playspace. Book your session online now.

The videos below are from my YouTube channel, click to visit the Mistress Lola Ruin channel and view all of my public uploads.

The acronym B.D.S.M. was first published in a Usenet publication way back in 1991. At the time it was logically interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and Submission) and S/M (Sadism and Masochism) which were shortened to the 4 letters we all know so well… BDSM. The term “Femdom” originated in the BDSM community in the late 20th century. It is a shortened form of “Female Domination.” If you’re familiar with my work, you’ve likely come across both these terms before!

What does BDSM mean and what’s the culture like.. and subcultures?

As an umbrella, catch-all phrase, BDSM covers a wide and varied range of activities, many different forms of interpersonal relationships (including those paid and those for pleasure), as well as distinct subcultures. Around the world these subcultures vary from region to region, their popularity dependent on nuances and differences between each language and cultural acceptance. You can even go further down the rabbit hole and find subcultures within subcultures… From leather daddies in the Dyke community, all the way through to TradWives on TikTok (yes, it is clearly a fetish, lol)

Kinky Ballet – Rope Play with Master and submissive and Dominant

In the BDSM world, we’ve used the terms submissive and dominant to distinguish these roles. The dominant partner, or in my case “Domme”, takes on psychological control over the submissive, or “sub”. There are other terms too, like “top” and “bottom”, and activity specific terms such as ‘Rigger’ and ‘bunny’ for rope play. The one at the top instigates an action, while the one at the bottom is the recipient. Think of it like a weird, kinky ballet – everyone has their part to play. But remember, these roles can be fluid and self-identification can be a hot topic of debate among BDSM participants. Although the inferior performs the action and the superior receives it, roles have not necessarily been exchanged.

The abbreviations sub and Dom are often used in place of submissive and Dominant. Sometimes the female-specific terms Mistress, Dominatrix, Domina and Domme are used to describe a Dominant woman, instead of the sometimes gender-neutral term Dominant, with Master and Dom usually referring to Dominant men. Individuals who transition from the superior/dominant role to the inferior/submissive role, either from one relationship to another or within a given relationship, are called switches.

At the heart of all of this, is a Power Play…

Power Inequality Increases the Experience Excitement with Implication.

I’d like to recognise that generally speaking, BDSM communities are super welcoming anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; it’s accepting to Queer folks, marginalised genders, body modification enthusiasts with tattoos and piercings, role-players, rubber fetishists and everything in between (so long as you’re respectful, understand and practice consent, and crucially, aren’t creepy).

In the BDSM community, the dynamics of activities and relationships often involve willing participants embracing complementary roles and recognising power imbalances. So, as I mentioned above, it’s really important that everyone involved gives ongoing, informed consent. While written agreements might not always be used, chatting about boundaries and building trust are paramount to having a good experience. I personally believe it’s crucial to establish a unique ‘safe word’ or phrase ahead of time for each relationship or casual play session. Whilst this may be forgone once you know and trust each other, it’s essential for first time encounters. This shared safe word should be highly respected, with the promise to never overlook or violate a partner’s trust. Anyone who doesn’t treat safe words with this respect aren’t welcome in the BDSM community very long.

The physiology of BDSM play

In this fun and exciting world of BDSM, the hormone Oxytocin – the chemical often associated with love and affection – plays a big part in bonding and savouring those shared moments between play partners. This special hormone linked to trust and desire can make a grand entrance during physical contact and the thrilling anticipation of BDSM play sessions. This chemical reaction supercharges the unique trust dynamics and respect for boundaries, which are the heart and soul of the BDSM community.

Read more of my articles on subjects close to my heart, and hopefully yours too.

Noradrenaline and Adrenaline – The Arousal Alerts

These hormone and neurotransmitter is linked to arousal and alertness. Increasing both your heart rate and blood pressure, they prepare your body for action and reaction. The excitement, desire, longing and nervousness my submissives may be feeling before their first session with me triggers the release of these. When both norepinephrine and adrenaline is released into the bloodstream, your delicious stress and excitement encourages a surge of the body’s “fight or flight” responses. Your energy levels will be overflowing as the hours countdown to play.

Cognitive Resource Allocation: The brain has a finite amount of cognitive resources at any given time. Excitement and anticipation can consume a significant portion of these resources, leading to a phenomenon known as “cognitive load.” When cognitive resources are focused on an upcoming event, there’s less available for other tasks, potentially impairing performance in work or other activities requiring concentration.

Have you ever considered why you fumble when you first arrive, or why you struggle to follow simple instructions given by your Domme? Now you know why.

The Impact of Excitement and Foreplay on Cognitive Load

This can also have an understandably impact on our emotional world as they do our psychological. Our emotions, such as excitement and anticipation, can significantly consume our thoughts, and even dreams and lucid daydreams. Often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, dopamine is associated with pleasure, excitement, and the reward system in the brain. The anticipation of a rewarding experience, such as meeting for an arranged session at My play space, will lead to increased levels of dopamine.

For long distance or sporadic meetups, often the precursor to the event will involve a form of remote power play, your Domme may reward you with role playing over the phone, or via photo messaging. This kind of foreplay is a slow-burning build-up of sexual tension, and a sneak peek of the submission to come…

Cognitive Load: The Positive Rush and the Temporary Denial

Knowing all this as a submissive is interesting, but knowing this as Domme makes for excellent opportunities to tease and torment you further. When someone is deeply consumed by their desire for another person’s company or is eagerly anticipating a significant Dominant and Submissive session, it’s great fun to deliberately create challenging scenarios with the aim to ruin your concentration. For example, in long distance play sessions, perfectly timed my interruptions for your work commute, making you incapable of the most basic of rational decisions, and can inject some excitement into an otherwise boring day. When you hire a professional FemDom, remembering important information will temporarily be a struggle. They call it ‘mind fucking’, but really it’s monopolizing all your brain power, demanding a substantial portion of your focus. Your ability to process other, more boring stimuli or tasks will be overridden by thoughts of me.

Doesn’t that sound delicious?

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

•   Browse My Website    •   Follow on Twitter   •   Apply to Serve  •   Read My Blog   •

British BDSM Mistress in Manchester – Dominatrix Lola Ruin

No matter what the motivation may be for entering the realm of kink, whether that means hoping to being an established long term D/s dynamic or simply wanting to experience some incredible Pro Dominatrices talents for yourself, it is vital that you research and approach them correctly. Picking the right Mistress for you is a process which shouldn’t be taken lightly if you want to have the best possible connection.

So, where to begin?

Step 1. Live Out Your Fantasy, Desire and Satisfaction takes Planning

Selecting a Professional Dominatrix involves numerous considerations, from her preferences and equipment to your own budget and desires. It’s crucial that the Mistress you visit has facilities and skills compatible with your fantasies if you want to get the most out of your experience.

But first, let’s get some less exciting logistics out of the way…

Step 2: The Best Mistresses Demand A Big Budget

I have regular submissives who are based 10 minutes from my playspace, and regulars who fly each time they see me, but of course the latter is not feasible for everyone.

Whilst I do not recommend ruling a Dominatrix out solely for budgetary or location reasons, especially someone who is ideal for you in every other way, it is important to consider and may help you narrow your search before you even begin. In my opinion, your PERFECT Dominatrix is worth saving up for and travelling to, but you need to make sure that is a commitment you can make before applying to serve.

Visit Manchester and immerse yourself in the world of sensual domination with the captivating and skilled Mistress Lola Ruin. Your journey into the realm of pleasure and submission awaits in the vibrant city of Manchester.

Experience the thrill of stress-relieving fun in Manchester as you submit to the captivating charm of Lola Ruin, the leading Mistress of Mistresses. From all corners of the world, slaves of diverse backgrounds find themselves devoted to her the moment they set eyes on her. In her custom-built Playspace in Tameside, she masterfully controls and engages in Power Exchange, fulfilling your deepest desires.

Lola Ruin is not just any Dominatrix; she is renowned for her expertise in sensual domination, earning her the title of the most desired Mistress in Manchester. With over 7 years of experience, Lola possesses both professional and lifestyle skills, making her a dominant force in the BDSM scene. She has a deep understanding of kink and acknowledges that for many submissives, their sessions with her are therapeutic and cathartic.

Unlike other harsh and cruel Mistresses, Lola Ruin takes a sensual approach to BDSM. She gently guides her submissives, whispering promises of reward or threats of penalty along the way. Her private Manchester dungeon Playspace is a luxurious haven filled with every kinky accessory imaginable. Here, your desires are not only explored but expanded under the guidance of this stunning Dominatrix.

Lola Ruin offers a range of specialist fetish services, including Ruined Orgasms, Foot Worship, Sensual Domination, and Slave Training. As a well-known filming Manchester Dominatrix, she even provides the option of capturing your session in Full HD, creating a lasting memento of your time with her.

Dungeon Room – Manchester Playspace Aligned Sexual Desires and Interests

Now, something a little more fun. Exactly what is it you hope to explore during your BDSM session? Do you have specific fetish itches you want scratched, such as latex or foot worship? Have you got a preference for a particular roleplay dynamic, for example a Headmistress scenario which would require a more domestic setting as opposed to a dungeon room? And crucially, what about the style of the Mistress… do you pine for someone cruel and unrelenting, or would you prefer a Mistress who is sensual and playful?

The scene is big and varied, and it’s likely you will not only find wonderful Dominatrixes who cater for your particular kinks and style of play, but that specialise in them.

Whilst most Professional Dominatrices have access to an arsenal of equipment, looking at your list of activities, bear in mind what facilities and skills your Mistress would need to have to make those fantasies a reality. If you’re a sissy, then you may want to consider someone with a large wardrobe of feminisation clothes in varying sizes. If you have a penchant for bondage, then consider if you need a Mistress with a vac-bed, suspension rig and/or shibari training. Are you looking for a longer session, such as an extended experience or overnight? Then you will need to approach a Mistress who is able to accommodate that.

Now, look back over your entire plan… your budget and location preferences, your kinks and interests, your preferred style and specialities, and any niche or special requirements. This is a good time to reflect on how much ‘flexibility’ you have for each of these desires, and consider whether is it absolutely imperative, or simply a preference you’d be happy to compromise on for the right Dominatrix.

For example, would you travel further for a Dominatrix who listed your favourite kink as a specialty? Will it make or break your session to experience something specialist like a latex vacbed, or would that just be a bonus? All of this will influence who you approach, and the more clear you are with yourself about your desires, the more likely it is you will find a Dominatrix to match them.

Step 3: Search Terms Online That Match Your Desires and Geographical Location

Now you have a rough idea of location and a better idea of what kind of Dominatrix you’d like to submit to, I advise beginning on Google and jumping straight in. The majority of visitors to my website find me directly by searching organically like this, so it’s a perfect place to start. Let’s say for example you have decided you want to serve a Dominatrix in my own City of Manchester. Here are some popular search terms you can try, simply swapping out my city for yours:

‘Mistress in Manchester’ or ‘Manchester Mistress’
Dominatrix in Manchester’ or ‘Dominatrix Manchester’
Domme in Manchester’ or ‘Manchester Domme’
‘FemDom in Manchester’ or ‘Manchester ‘FemDom’

Or alternatively, you could search for your particular kinks if they are specific enough. For example; ‘Foot Worship Manchester’ or ‘Manchester Foot Worship’ or ‘Foot Worship In Manchester’
‘Orgasm Control Manchester’ or ‘Manchester Orgasm Control’ or ‘Orgasm Control In Manchester’
‘Edging Manchester’ or ‘FemDom Edging Manchester’

Or, if there is a particular activity or specialist equipment you are dying to try, you can search for that too;‘ Venus 2000 Manchester’ or ‘Venus 2000 Mistress Manchester’
‘Chastity Manchester’ or ‘Manchester Chastity’
using related keywords similar to: Manchester, Dominatrix, Mistress, Lola Ruin, Sensual Domination, BDSM, Playspace, Submissive, Kink, Fetish, Ruined Orgasms, Foot Worship, Slave Training, Filmed Sessions, Stress-relieving fun, Power Exchange, Custom-built, Tameside, Expertise, Cathartic, Bespoke Domination, Private Dungeon, Luxury, Submissives, Pleasure, Submission,

Slight variations on your search terms will bring up different results, but generally near the top you will often find ‘Directories’. These are worth delving into, alongside any individual Mistress sites Google throws at you.

Up To Date Adult Directory Contact Information

Once upon a time between the fall of contact magazines and the rise of social media, this was how most submissives found their Domme. Despite falling a little out of favour in recent years as Mistresses have grown more search engine and social media savvy, they are still worth browsing. Often ordered by location, it’s a great overview of who is available in specific areas, and many will also list specialities and even contact details.

However, if you find a Mistress on a directory, then be sure that isn’t where your search ends. I strongly recommend doing much more research than simply stumbling across a photo directory and contacting immediately, if you want to have the best session possible. Many of these directories may be out of date, and none will give you the ‘full picture’ of what a particular Dominatrix can offer you. However, if location is paramount to you, then it’s often a good place to begin. Follow the links listed on these directories to go and read their own websites.

If you find that despite both searching organically on Google and looking through Dominatrix Directories, you still haven’t found your ideal Domme, then unfortunately you may need to search further afield than your chosen location. Consider nearby major cities which are easily accessible to you, as most have a thriving FemDom scene, even if it’s a little more far than you hoped for!

Step 4. Read About Services from a professional dominatrix, equipment, adult toys and custom made accessories

By now, you have probably discovered a few professional Mistress websites, which is the perfect place to research their individual ethos, equipment, and style. Whilst no doubt many of you perverts will jump straight to the gallery page, I recommend taking note of the other available pages and pouring over each one.

Specifically, there will likely be far more revealing information on certain pages. Using my own website as an example, I’d recommend the most important pages for potential submissives to spend time on are About, Fetishes, Sessions, Testimonials and Blog

  1. About (alternatively named ‘Ethos’, ‘Philosophy’, ‘Approach’…)
    This page will give you a good introduction to Mistresses style and interests. As you read… does it speak to you? Do you feel like the two of you would click and have fantastic D/s chemistry? If you’re looking for a cruel, unrelenting Dominatrix, consider whether they have used those words, or similar (stern, foreboding, traditional). Likewise, if you’re hoping to meet a more sensual Mistress, look for words like ‘playful’, ‘seductive’, etc. This will generally give you a good idea of whether you would enjoy submitting to this particular Dominatrix.
  2. Fetishes (alternatively named ‘Sessions’, ‘Services’, ‘Interests’, ‘Kinks’…)
    This page tends to be more focused in exactly what Mistress is comfortable and capable of offering. It’s generally a list, or in my case, is grouped into certain ‘categories’ which captures whole areas of interest/related kinks. Here, you want to make sure that the Dominatrix offers the fantasies you are hoping to fulfil. This page will also generally include ‘off limit’ activities, and it’s always worth scanning this to make sure you are not asking for something which isn’t provided. You may also find details of both equipment and specialities here.
  1. Sessions (alternatively called ‘Rates’, ‘Tribute’…)
    Here is where you will find all the different possibilities in terms of BDSM sessions on offer, alongside their costs. Not all Mistresses publish their tributes, in which case you should contact them directly to ask what tribute they require in order to see you.
  2. Testimonials (alternatively called ‘Reviews’…)
    If a Dominatrix self publishes testimonials from her submissives, then here is where you can start to get a real flavour of what it would be like to submit. Many of my subs said that they loved delving into the stories of my previous subs experiences. If you are a novice and feeling nervous about potentially submitting to a Dominatrix, you may well find it helps to allay any concerns about booking yourself, if you can see how others experiences have been.
  3. Blog (alternatively called ‘News’, ‘Updates’…)
    Once again, this is another great page to a get a flavour for the personality of a Mistress. Whilst more traditional ‘advertising’ copy may be used on her ‘About’ page, here is a chance to see some more long form writing. I am always surprised by how many of my submissives say it was my blog, more so than any other page of my website, which made them know I was the right Mistress for them.

Whilst I believe these tend to be the most informative and revealing pages of a Professional Mistress website, ideally you should spend time going through each and every page, especially if you are thinking of submitting a formal application to serve. Try to glean as much information as possible about your potential Dominatrix before you apply, so as to make the best first impression possible (more on that in a future blog post…). However, browsing through the pages I have listed will give you a really good idea of whether this is the right Professional Dominatrix for you.

Over the years I have spent time helping men understand what’s available, I document personal events and write articles, find more here:

Vanilla Corruption Party with Mistress Tess
Extended Experiences Blog
Personal Slave Experience
My Love of Ruined Orgasm
Personal Playspace Fantasies
London Tour 2017 Highlights
The Perils of Dating as a Dominatrix
Foot Worship 101 Techniques
Taking a Break from Domination
Back to Sessions for Submissives
Questions & Answers with Mistress
Bali and Birthday Celebrations
Holiday Updates & Adventures
Film Slaves Behind the Scenes
My Submissive Experience Revealed
Double Domme Summer Sessions with Mistress Foxx
24-Hour Servitude Challenge
Holiday Fun in Mistress’s World
Happy New Year Greetings from Domina
A Special Opportunity for Submissives
London Sessions in December
Control and Paying for the Illusion of It
My Love of Latex & Fetish Fashion
Ask Me Anything About BDSM
Make Me Happy with Your Submission
Behind the Scenes of Domination
Celebrating an Anniversary of Kink
Venus-2000: Ultimate Pleasure Device
Back to Filming BDSM Sessions
Reality vs. Fantasy in Domination
What Do You Do for a Living? Submissive Insights
Availability for Slave Selection
The Idiot’s Guide to Worshipping Pussy
The Healing Benefits of BDSM
Ruin Filmed by Duke: A Submissive Experience
Locked Up for Lola Ruin – Part 3
Locked Up for Lola Ruin – Part 2
Locked Up for Lola Ruin – Part 1
Diary of a Chastity Slave Revealed
In Defence of Porn: A Domme’s Perspective
Locked Up for Lola Ruin – Part 4
Manchester Dungeon Mistress Playspace
Tameside Sex Dungeon Dominatrix Playspace Manchester
How Much Does It Cost to Make High-Quality Dominatrix Porn?
Dominatrix Filming in Manchester: British Mistress Online
Orgasm Control & Edging Tips from a Dominatrix
Becoming My Personal Bitch
Manchester Mistress Domme Vulnerability
Manchester Mistress BDSM Domme Adventures
UK Professional Dominatrix Tips for Submissive Slaves

Once you have spent a good while pursuing a Dommes website, take a look to see if there are links to social media profiles listed. If you find them, then we can move onto the next step…

Step 5. Manchester Social Media Prescence – Submissive Slaves Research Their Perfect Domme

Whilst BDSM sessions can make for a wonderful experience for a submissive, it’s vital that you approach only those who seem to be both professional and serious practitioners. Of course it can be exciting gallery hopping and looking at pretty Dominant ladies… but without fully researching them, it is difficult to gage personality, skill, and experience level from sexy photos alone.

So, after Google, Directories and Websites, where should you look next? I recommend then researching even more by clicking on any social media icons or links listed on a Dominatrix website (for example, you can find icons to my own social media profiles in the top right corner on desktop, and in the footer of each page on mobile)

Twitter

In particular you should look out for a link to Twitter or a ‘bird’ icon. Twitter is by far the most friendly and popular social media platform for Mistresses, due to it being one of the only one that allows explicit/adult material. Whilst Instagram is also popular, it remains more hostile and Mistresses will often lose their accounts unknowingly, so don’t be disheartened should you stumble across a broken link.

Whilst many Mistresses do not allow messaging or DM function on their social media profiles, viewing or following their accounts will give you a glimpse into both their lives and persona. They’ll likely have not only more photos in general than on their website, but more recent photos too. Take some time to browse their profile, and see if you believe you’d have chemistry. Social media is the perfect place for Professional Mistresses to demonstrate their skills, experience and professionalism, as well as their personality and style. It’s (usually) a window to something a little more relatable and dynamic than a website alone.

A Note On Catfish Accounts

Unfortunately, all social media platforms have become rife with fake accounts posing as Professional Dominatrixes. They will often use stolen photos of established Mistresses, and they post incredibly convincingly. Beware of these fraudulent accounts. They are simply trying to extort money from you when you’re in a moment of horniness by using the names and likeness of established practitioners.

Should you find a Mistress on a social media website, be sure to click through their listed links until you find their website, and verify that the website does indeed lead to the same social media profile. Be cautious if they don’t have a website, or a wider presence across the internet. Take note of the username… is it a unique name, or is it anonymised such as ‘Mist012345’? Be extra cautious and make sure you research every Dominatrix you are considering sending money to.

So, let’s say you have spent some time pouring over a website and then their social media profile, and they seem perfect for you and who you would love to approach. What do I recommend you do next?

Step 6. Online Dominatrix Videos, Order Personalised Videos, Record our Playspace Sessions Together

By now, you should have noticed a pattern. My key piece of advice when you are looking for a Professional Dominatrix to serve, is to DO YOUR RESEARCH. That means putting time, and in this final step maybe even money, towards your search for your perfect Mistress.

My final piece of advice and truthfully my top tip for researching your chosen Mistress is, before you even think about applying, take some time to see if this particular Mistress has either clipstores like Clips4sale or IWantClips, or a fansite like OnlyFans or LoyalFans. They may even post short, free previews to PornHub.

A Small Investment – View and Order Fantasy Play Clips

An hour session with me costs almost 20 times what the majority of my clips cost to purchase, or what it costs for an entire month subscription on my LoyalFans. Pretty much any Mistress who films will have a similar price discrepancy between their in person fantasy play and their content. If you are seriously considering serving a particular Mistress, and paying the large tribute required to do some, a $10 clip to really gage their style is a tiny investment in your own pleasure.

I highly recommend browsing their back catalogues, picking a clip that speaks to your fetishes, and buying it. Even if you don’t usually enjoy watching clips for fun, this will be a good indication of their style of play, which no amount of website copy or social media posts can convey. If they specialise in your personal kinks, then you should have ample content to choose from.

Either you will find that this particular Domme doesn’t gel with your fantasies as well as you thought they may have, and you will have saved yourself 20 times the cost of a session, or they really are as perfect as all your previous research led you to believe (and the clip will get you excited for your upcoming meet!)

A Final Note

It is vital that you take your time to find someone compatible with you, if you want to have the best session possible, regardless of whether you believe this will be a one-off session, or the start of a long-term D/s dynamic. The more information you have researched about a Mistress the more likely it is you know they will be a good chemistry match for you, that they specialise in exactly what you are hoping to explore, and that they have the right skills and experience to honour that for you. By the same logic, the less time you spend researching, the more likely you will submit to a Dominatrix who is incompatible with your desires and the more likely you are to make a bad first impression.

Research is key.

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

•   Browse My Website    •   Follow on Twitter   •   Apply to Serve  •   Read My Blog   •

Manchester Mistress: BDSM is therapuetic, it is not therapy

For those of you loyal readers who have been following Me for a while, you will remember that I have previously written on the therapeutic value of BDSM. It can be, in many ways, an incredibly healing and valuable experience. However I have and will always maintain that there should be a clear distinction between BDSM as a therapeutic experience and actual therapy. Today's blog is going to delve deep into the reasons why I believe such a distinction is so important.

Dominatrix, Domme and Sub: BDSM is Catharsis, Not Counselling

The emotional and physical catharsis gained from kink is undeniable. Having orgasms, relinquishing your sense of control, being beaten… these are all things which release numerous chemicals in the brain, flooding you with feel good chemicals which can make people feel fantastic. BDSM can be incredibly cathartic as a practice, and can give people both the physical and emotional space to engage in difficult topics or feelings, but it is not the same as undergoing genuine mental health treatment.

For people suffering from mental health problems, especially those stemming from trauma, medical and psychological treatment is vital. Can reframing a traumatic event under the guise of an experienced Dominatrix feel cathartic? Absolutely. Is it a substitute for actually unpacking trauma with a licensed psychotherapist? Absolutely not.

BDSM in Manchester - Tameside Playspace - Kink As A Form Of Self Care

There are many activities that can provide a general sense of wellbeing and calm when undertaken regularly, such as daily exercise, meditation, and yoga, and it is important to carve out time in your life to dedicate solely to pleasure and self care. But most people would rightly scoff at the suggestion that someone dealing with mental health issues should simply go for a run, or do some asanas. Leigh Cowart in Hurts So Good, her book chronicling the human practice of engaging with pain on purpose, considers BDSM as a tool to be exercised for personal growth. And, as kink is such an exhilarating experience, it is much closer to the earlier forms of self care I mentioned above than it is to actual therapy. There is nothing wrong with taking a holistic approach to your own well being, in fact I encourage it! But the very first and most important piece of that puzzle should always be with a professional therapist.

The entire ethos of risk aware consensual kink is that you must think carefully about what types of risks are involved in any activity. There is always risk involved in BDSM, whether physical, emotional, or mental. To treat kink as therapy when you are not a trained therapist means you are choosing treatment for yourself without understanding what impacts it may have on you.

Sub Domination, Masculinity, and the Freedom To Seek Treatment

The wider social stigma around mental health and seeking treatment is lessening thanks to many people speaking out about it so openly and honestly, however that does not negate the fact that people are still generally not socialised to be very open about their mental health. Men in particular are given the message that they should just get on with it, and forego expressing or even feeling their feelings freely. Men are told to ‘man up’ and ‘deal with it’ – a toxic form of masculinity which will often deter them from seeking professional help.

On the flip side to that however, men are massively encouraged to be ‘sexually successful’. To see exploration of sex as a key component of being ‘A Real Man’. Is the coupling of these two messages why so many men instead seek support from professional sex workers than licensed psychotherapists? The message that men can and/or should replace genuine treatment and support from mental health professionals by engaging in BDSM further drives home the idea that they should ignore their emotions and instead focus on their sexual identity. This is incredibly harmful and disrespectful to men as fully formed emotional beings, and trust me when I say it is not a healthy approach to your own mental health, sexuality or relationships.

Manchester Playspace for BDSM: Your Play Is Not Your Therapy from your Domme

For those who play within their intimate relationships, including the ones you pay for, it is imperative to remember that your play partner is not your therapist. If you feel that the kink you engage in helps your well being and brings you a sense of calm, that’s awesome. But, as mentioned above, people without specific mental health training are unequivocally not qualified to prescribe a form of treatment to either themselves or anyone else.

Requiring that your intimate partner be responsible for your mental health via the play you share is not only an unfair burden, but a very unhealthy dynamic for the both of you. By assuming that their participation in your play will mitigate or even resolve your struggles, you are setting them an impossible task, and trust me when I say it will eventually put a huge strain on them and on your relationship.

Your Manchester Mistress Dom/me Is Not Your Therapist

Continuing on from that, BDSM professionals are not therapists (and any one who acts like they are should look like a giant, waving red flag to you). It is perfectly normal to feel very close to the Professional Dom/me you are serving, regardless of whether that’s through long term servitude or within the confines of a single session. It’s also perfectly normal to want to share yourself with them. Opening up emotionally can feel very natural when you have not only shared but also indulged in your sexy secrets together.

However it is also important to remember that a Professional Dom/me is there to provide a specific BDSM experience, and not to act as a surrogate therapist. To ignore this and not respect the boundaries of a BDSM session is unhealthy and toxic for all involved, and has the potential to harm or trigger both of you. I would caution any submissive to be very wary of any Dom/me who advertises their sessions as therapy, unless they can provide specific evidence of credentials. Even then, therapists maintain very clear boundaries between themselves and their clients for the wellbeing of both parties. For a Dom/me to claim their sessions are literally therapy, or an appropriate substitute for it, is to my mind highly unethical.

Lola Ruin Articles - Tips for Dommes, Ruined Oragasm and BDSM Dominatrix in Manchester

Final Thoughts

In Summary, you cannot work through or process mental health struggles or trauma only through engaging in BDSM practices. They can certainly help reframe certain contexts or scenarios as positive by providing people with the chance to form new pathways.  They can help people to feel a greater sense of embodiment or autonomy. They can enable people to develop emotional and mental resilience and flexibility. They can also bring a much needed release from the pressures of life.

However, deciding that you will forego the support and treatment of a doctor or licensed therapist, who has spent years in training to help you, in order to opt for BDSM sessions, is irresponsible. I say this as someone with a degree in psychology (and who once upon a time wanted to become a therapist, before I discovered whips and chains), and as a Dominatrix with over a decade of professional play under my belt. I, like most Dom/mes, am not qualified to help you unpack trauma.

BDSM is a wonderful experience and practice, but when considering approaches to treating mental health your favourite professional BDSM practitioner should be at the very bottom of the list of professionals to seek help from - after properly licensed and accredited mental health professionals, therapists, counsellors, and doctors. 

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

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My Top Tips For New Dommes

My Top Tips For New Dommes...

By MistressLolaRuin November 26th, 2021

Among the many changes brought about by recent events, the sudden explosion of new workers entering the world of sex work has been one of the most noticeable. Largely due to the vast number of people who needed a way to make money from their own homes turning to OnlyFans, this expansion has spread out to other areas of sex work.

The world of Domination calls to many, and those of Us who are established in our field will often be inundated with requests for advice on the industry - how to enter it, where to start, and how to be successful. As someone who was once a young beginner, it is now important to Me that I offer the same generosity of spirit that was afforded to Me. Without the guidance of established and wiser Dommes teaching me the ropes, I would not be where I am today. There is a lot to learn for new Dommes, but my top 5 tips for those of you who are brand new to the industry would be as follows;

Choose A Unique Name

First, you need to choose a name. Your Domina name should reflect the essence of the domination you will offer to the world. It should also be unique. Not only so that you stand out and are easily identifiable for the submissives who wish to serve you, but also because choosing a name already belonging to an established Domina is considered extremely poor form in the world of BDSM. There is no need to copy someone more successful than you, and if you try, all that means is that you will struggle to compete online against the very Domme you have copied. After all, she's already there and has her territory is carved out. Better that you choose a name that is entirely your own so that you can forge your own unique brand. This will not only help submissives to recognise you, but will help when it comes to online marketing and search engine optimisation.

I say this as someone who made this very mistake... Lola is common name amongst sex workers, and I wish I had chosen something more original. However, I've worked long and hard and I've made it work for me (with the help of a second name Ruin). Anyone who chooses either the name Lola or Ruin now is going to face an uphill struggle against me and the internet presence I have been slowly building for a decade.

Choose a first and a last name, something which reflects you and your style of Domination, and do some research to make sure no one else is using it! The last thing you want to do is cause friction with other Dommes and create a lot more work for yourself as you try to compete down the line.

Research Kinks

Second, research. There are as many flavours of kink as there are kinky people. You will need to have a strong grounding in a wide variety of kinks and fetishes to begin with. Consider the variety of fetishes there are: ABDL to sounding to whipping to tie and tease. Also consider how each of these may fit better with different archetypes of Domination: Stern Mommy, Teasing Goddess, Evil Nurse, Cruel Dominatrix. Once you are familiar with them, then you can then begin to identify which ones you can cater to, how to do so safely, and which ones you won't be able to offer, either because they don't fit in with your archetype or because you do not have the safety training or equipment.

Even if you are only planning to produce online content, a convincing and skillful video requires a thorough knowledge of the fetish or act being described or portrayed. Producing a 'latex fetish' clip when you are actually wearing PVC will not win you any fans in either the Domination or submissive community. Submissives care deeply about their fetishes, and it is important you portray them accurately.

Read as many blogs and books as you can, attend workshops, pay for content or sessions to educate yourself. Some Dommes may even be happy to mentor you or allow you to shadow them, however you should consider they may well charge for their time. Try to soak up as much information as possible, and don't offer anything you don't yet know how to do safely. Later on you can hone down into your specialities, but to begin with I recommend just being a sponge for knowledge.

Have Clear Boundaries And Stick To Them

Fourth, and it is important you think about this one carefully, boundaries. Your boundaries as a Domme will not spring out fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus, you need to consider them in detail after the research you did in step two. What are you comfortable doing, what services are you comfortable providing, what avenues of communication are you going to offer submissives? Your boundaries will, over time and with experience, naturally shift and evolve. That's normal, and a regular check in with yourself every so often will help you to keep track of how your internal world is adapting. It is vital however that you remember that the only person who can shift or alter these boundaries is you. Not a submissive or their wallet.

No matter what your boundaries are, there will be submissives who will try to push them. They will ask to sleep with you, they will beg you to offer fetishes you don't, they will contact you at ungodly hours and pour out their hearts and souls as though you are the only person in the world who could help them (apparently therapists don't exist). Be prepared for how you will respond when they do.

And then there will be some who will do all of the above but with an attachment of very tempting cash. You will have to decide what you are comfortable with, but trust me when I say that no amount of money is worth you feeling like you have betrayed yourself. Every single time I've flexed on my boundaries, I've regretted it, mostly because submissives who do not respect your boundaries are not good submissives. Your time, energy and well being is precious and you should protect it, even when a cash injection looks tempting.

Diversify Your Income

Third, diversify how you make your money. While everyone has strengths and preferences, a Domme who only produces content for one specific niche on one specific platform will quickly run into trouble when the payment processors ban that fetish, or the platform is shut down. As we saw when Onlyfans banned explicit adult content, there is no guarantee that a platform will be available to you forever. And as we saw during the pandemic, even relying solely on sessions is not a good idea (although I very much hope another pandemic is not on the horizon!)

If working online, make sure your work across a range of different platforms so that your brand can reach a wider audience and you have options in case a pesky credit card decides to refuse to work with a particular website. And if you work solely offline, consider opening a fan club just to supplement your session income. Being able to turn a side hustle into a main hustle is much easier than suddenly having to learn a brand new way of working under financial pressure. No one wants to be stuck with no income at short notice.

A quick side note about New Girl Money... when you first come onto the scene, you may find yourself inundated and making more money than ever before. Do not rely on this to last forever, because quite often that initial rush will dry up and then it can take years to really hone your hustle. I know it can be tempting to blow all that new cash on a bunch of Louboutins, but do not be frivolous. Until you are more established and the flow of sessions is more predictable, it pays to be frugal and just keep reinvesting in your business. New Girl Money can end abruptly, so plan ahead for those rainy days!

Schedule Both Work And Down Time

Fifth, scheduling. It is a truth universally acknowledged among all self employed people that it is dangerously easy to work non-stop. Id say this is especially true for Dominatrixes, as our work tends not just to be our work, but also our lifestyles. There's always more work to be done, you will find your to do list only ever gets bigger, and that can easily lead to finding yourself working into the early hours after everyone else has gone to bed. The work that we do is intensive and can take a lot of energy, and once burn out has gotten it's claws into you, it can become the most difficult job in the world. Self care is paramount to avoid that, so schedule in your working hours and stick to them. Schedule in full days off, and make them non-negotiable. No submissive and no amount of money is worth your well being, and when you have a schedule, your submissives will learn to work around you.

I know this can be difficult, especially when you see established Dommes doing everything all the time making it look easy. But here is a secret... many established Dommes have hired help. I personally have 3 different people I pay to help me run my business, and once you are making enough money I strongly recommend you do the same. Until then, do what you can and focus on building your brand, and do not compare yourself to those who are 5, 10 or 20 years down the line. You'll get there eventually, as long as you balance your hard work with scheduled self care.

Good Luck!

I very much hope that any new Dommes reading this feel both informed and inspired going forward. Remember that this work allows for all different styles of Domination and all different ways of working, and it'll take a while to find your groove. Until then, stay sharp and have fun exploring and experimenting as you build your own Fempire 🙂

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

•   Browse My Website    •   Follow on Twitter   •   Apply to Serve  •   Read My Blog   •

UK Dominatrix Tips: How A Professional Domme Commands Her Submissive Slaves. A Guide in Kink Domination via Webcam and Virtual Commands to Obey

UK Dominatrix Tips: How A Professional Domme Commands Her Submissive Slaves. A Guide in Kink Domination via Webcam and Virtual Commands to Obey

By MistressLolaRuin | June 1, 2021

COVID has forced most of our kinky lives online, and with that many of us are scratching our naughty itch virtually, even if we have never done so before (personally it has been years since I offered webcam domination in any kind of consistent way). For many of you, this may be a brand new way to play and serve, and whilst new things can be exciting, they can also be daunting.

So… how can you improve your virtual experiences? What can you do as a submissive to make Distance Domination even more thrilling and fulfilling?

UK Professional Dominatrix - Femdom Distance Domination via Webcam

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Here are my Top 10 Tips for how you can improve your experience…

Femme Doms and Dominatrix: How To Choose The Right Dominant in Manchester and UK Nationwide

You will know from my website that I'm based in Manchester and pre-Covid was very active in London for weekend bookings, overnight escort dates and Extended Experiences locally in Thameside, Manchester and UK Nationwide when restrictions are lifted. Choose your Dominant carefully. I'm saying this as a word of precaution: I have seen a huge rise in the number of catfishers using Dominants photos to scam money for things like webcam sessions from unsuspecting submissives who have not done their research. If you see a Dominant you like on Instagram or Twitter, you should immediately Google their website. See if it looks legit, and check it actually links to the same profile you found. If they don’t have a website, that should raise some flags.

Also, search for their name online and see what you can find… other social profiles, clip stores, reviews, interviews. Most genuine Dommes have all of the above and more, usually with intricate levels of detail of how they most enjoy playing with their submissives and how you can apply to serve them. This should help you to know… firstly, is this Domme genuine, and secondly, do their interests align with your own?

Dominatrix Webcam Bookings Online - Choosing The Perfect Platform for your Submissive Slavery Sessions

Adultwork and Niteflirt are just two well know platforms which Dommes can offer webcam domination through, and if you’re not sure where to begin your search for a Dominatrix, I would suggest starting there. However… these sites do take a cut, so if you have already chosen a Domme independently of these websites, contact them directly and ask what is their preferred platform and payment processing for webcam sessions (if that isn't already listed on their website).

As with all submission, you should always be striving to make your Dominants life better… and whilst some Dommes may like the ease of using these platforms, others will prefer you book webcam domination directly and cut out the middle man. Again... make sure this is a genuine Dominant before you send money directly by doing your research. If in doubt, hold out and wait until you find someone who looks more trustworthy.

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Slaves Sit Up: A Domme Will Demand You Talk - Ruined Orgasm to Roleplay

Speak up! Verbally (or by email) describe your likes and no go areas clearly and succinctly. Articulate in the best way possible to your Dominatrix, She will learn quickly how best to thrill, or to delay your ultimate pleasure.

Tips for communicating your submissive desires with your domination of choice: A few sentences along the lines of ‘I want a therapist roleplay where we begin more vanilla but you become crueller as the session goes on, eventually culminating in a ruined orgasm. I also enjoy edging and nipple play, for example.

I do not like CBT or anal play’ is perfectly fine, and this is plenty for most Dommes to run with!

Striking the balance between being too vague or too prescriptive will serve you well whenever you are approaching a Dominant, whether thats for virtual domination or any other kind of play.

Articulating Effectively in Virtual Domination Webcam Sessions

Contrary to popular opinion, ‘anything you want Mistress’ is generally hard work for most Dommes. We are not mind-readers, and it is even more difficult for us to read body language when we offer virtual sessions. So, make sure you articulate your likes clearly when you apply for your webcam session.

Equally, being too specific can really sap the fun out of it for the Dominant, and lead to a lack lustre webcam session where we spend more time trying to remember your endless list of likes than allowing the play to unfold organically. I have had submissives email me incredibly long scripts for play before, and the more you include the more likely it is I won’t know which parts are the most important or thrilling for you.

Webcam Domination and Submissive Communication - A Dominatrix Mistress Demands Respect From Her Slaves

Before you apply to a Dominatrix, take a moment to really collect your thoughts, and jot down any and all questions you may have regarding distance domination, rather than later bombarding with countless emails each with a single, different question. Of course, you should also be reading their website meticulously to see if your question is already answered there, try my Manchester Mistress - About Me page for a good start.

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Pay to Play the Professional in a Respectful Way - Less is More

I generally find that the fewer emails I exchange with a submissive before a webcam session, the more likely I am going to enjoy their company as they obviously respect both me and my time. And under no circumstances should you be sending suggestive or sexy messages unless you have consent and are tipping to do so. Professional Dominants are just that… professionals. You should always treat them as such, and leave the more saucy stuff to when you are actually in a virtual session unless you have agreed to pay more for email play.

Distance Domination Webcam Online Virtual Domme Sessions - Preparation and Remove distractions

If you live with others, schedule the call at a time when they wont be home (hard in lockdown of course!), or at least when they won’t be likely to disturb you. Put your phone on silent and out of the way. Close down all other programs on your laptop. Turn off the TV or any other electronics you won't be using. Some light background music is acceptable, but the speakers should be as far away from your laptop microphone as possible, and the music should be whisper quiet.

I would also suggest having a set of headphones to hand in case you find you get feedback once your session begins... nothing will break the mood more than some deafening echo bouncing between you and your Domme as you scramble to find some earphones! Make sure that your space is as peaceful as possible, so you can focus totally on serving your Dominant.

Remote Dominatrix Webcam Sessions - Test your laptop

Run some internet tests to check that everything is working smoothly, because if there’s one thing that will break your submissive headspace, it’s finding out 2 minutes before your webcam session is due to start that your laptop won’t connect. Do this a few hours prior to your session, and again within the 15 minutes just before. Make sure all your software and drivers are up to date, and most importantly that your laptop is plugged in. Your computer battery dying 10 minutes into your session will ruin it, and not in the fun way 😉

Submissive Tips from a Professional Domme - Prepare your space

Imagine that your Dominant isn’t just appearing on your computer screen, but is actually coming into your room. Would you invite them over with dirty underwear strewn across the floor and used cups all over the sideboards? Of course not, and you should treat webcam domination exactly the same.

Clean away all the clutter, make sure your space looks immaculate, and maybe even put on some mood lighting and candles… make the space as inviting as you would if a Dominant were really in your home. If you have toys you wish to play with during the session, have them laid out neatly, clean, and within arms reach. A tidy space equals a tidy mind, and will allow you to keep all your attention on your session and your Dominants commands.

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Prepare to Submit to Her Demands - Slavery and Pleasing your Domina

I believe this to be one of the most important things you can do to get the most out of your session... by building up to it with a long ritual for yourself so that you are already in a submissive headspace before you even begin. Perhaps you want to watch some of your Dommes clips beforehand to help ease you into a submissive state ready for her orders? Or you could take some time to mediate on what it is you hope to gain from this session, and how you hope to please your Domina. Give your mind some breathing space, focusing on yourself and your submission, so that you can come to your webcam session refreshed and ready to please your Dominant.

Submissives: Obey every Dominatrix Command - Use Miss and 'Yes Mistress' with Respect

Finally… once your webcam session begins, remember your etiquette and be as obedient and respectful as possible. Address your Dominant correctly based on what they like, whether that be Mistress, Miss, Domina or some other title. Always use that title when answering questions.... If there is one thing I dislike, it is when a submissive answers me 'yeah' as though I am a mate down the pub, and not 'Yes Mistress' with the respect a Dominant rightfully deserves.

If you wish to ask for something specific or give feedback during the session, then always do it with the utmost respect. An example would be ‘Please Mistress, I beg of you to allow me to stroke’. Every Domme will have their own rules and etiquette, and you should expect to be corrected to their standards. But make sure they need never correct you twice.

Domination Decompress

Finally, allow yourself some time after your session to float back down to reality. Just as before with your pre-session ritual, think about how you can give yourself a post session ritual. Maybe treat yourself to a long relaxing bath whilst you replay the most enjoyable memories of your webcam session. Listen to some of your favourite music and pamper yourself. Take some time just for yourself again, to come back down to earth and reflect on your domination session...

Enjoy your playtime perverts, and I hope you find my tips helpful!

BOOK A WEBCAM SESSION WITH ME HERE

Until next time,

Manchester Mistress Dominatrix BDSM Ashton Under Lyne Playspace Chambers Dungeon Fetish FemDom Kinky - 484
Manchester Mistress Expert Dominatrix Lola Ruin

•   Browse My Website    •   Follow on Twitter   •   Apply to Serve  •   Read My Blog   •

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