For those searching for a Manchester Mistress, there is no better Dominatrix than Mistress Lola Ruin. She is truly a world class Domina, who revels in teasing and tormenting her slaves. A femme fatale who is educated, glamorous and feminine. If you crave to be trained under the guise of a sophisticated woman, then your journey can begin right here...
Dominatrix Domme - Ashton Under Lyne Tameside
Where do we begin? Lola Ruin first began her journey as a Domme almost a decade ago, just a year after graduating from a Psychology University degree, with a focus on feminism and human sexuality... the perfect education for a Dominatrix! She was soon taking her first training sessions at the infamous Manchester Dungeon in Bury. Here she was under the guidance of some of the best Manchester Mistresses, many of whom still session today.
Since then, Lola Ruin has cultivated a wealth of kinky experience and expertise. After 9 years full time as a Professional Dominatrix, she is a master at getting into the minds of her slaves.
Her Tameside dungeon is easily accessible by both car and public transport. Only a 5 minute walk from the local train station, metrolink tram stop and bus station. There will be no last minute parking panic for those who drive to see her, as her chambers are surrounded with an abundance of free parking.
Bespoke Equipment in a Discreet Location - Sole Ownership
As well as being a reflection of her own personal taste and decor, a personal playspace allows Lola Ruin complete freedom over her sessions. Mistress Lola is the only one who uses any of the equipment. As a result, there is a high standard of cleanliness and hygiene. A private dungeon allows a level of discretion unmatched by shared chambers. As one of the only Manchester Mistresses to boast their own private playroom, this is a testament to her professionalism and success.
Dominatrix Philosophy - Healing power of BEDM
Unlike many Dominatrices, Lola Ruin does not enjoy cruelly beating her slaves into submission. Rather, she prefers to lull you into a false sense of security. To seduce you into revealing your fantasies to her. She will train you to the utmost standards, whilst tormenting you mercilessly along the way. Above all, Manchester Mistress Lola believe in the healing power of BDSM. Ultimately, she wants her slaves to feel transformed by their time serving under her tutelage. A short browse over hertestimonials will demonstrate that she cares deeply about her submissives.
Domination - A Sensual Domme in Orgasm Control
Although Lola Ruin loves to enjoy in a plethora of kinky activities, her forte is Sensual Domination. Lola Ruin offers the best orgasm control sessions, ruined orgasms and extended milking experiences. If you are looking for a sensual Dominatrix in Manchester, Mistress Lola Ruin is the best Domme to serve.
To Toy and Torment Exploiting Your Weaknesses
Lola Ruin is a devilishly kinky Domme with almost a decade of both technical and psychological experience under her belt. She is truly one of the very best Mistresses in Manchester. She will toy with you and tease you, she will torment you to her hearts content, and she will use your arousal as a weakness to exploit for her own pleasure.
London Sessions and UK Nationwide Travel
Although predominantly a Manchester Mistress, Lola Ruin also takes regular tours to London. Here she undertakes all manner of kinky play in a private, excellently equipped dungeon in Central London. Mistress Lola will also consider outcall requests to anywhere in Manchester, or further afield in the UK. For the most generous admirers, she will even consider international travel.
Fetish Filming and Films For Sale
Alongside sessions, Mistress Lola Ruin loves to film fetish content! Having previously visitedThe English Mansionmany times, they host some incredible content including Virtual Reality experiences! Her own content is also available for sales onClips4Sale, IWantClips and OnlyFans, for those too timid to serve her at her Manchester Dungeon.
Manchester Dominatrix Mistress Lola Ruin loves to sensually Dominate her subs, and especially to control their pleasure... learn more about a Chastity slaves experience under her expert lock and key!
It’s getting towards evening on New Year’s Eve. I’m spending it quietly, and I’ve used it as an opportunity to spend almost the whole day walking around in just my chastity cage. It’s not only more comfortable that way, it also helps to remind me of the state I’ll be in during my session with Mistress Lola (although I haven’t been crawling around on the floor to complete the picture).
There are only three days left before O/our session and apart from dwelling on the frustration of having been denied an orgasm for so long I can also start wondering whether Mistress Lola will allow me to have one, and what price (probably measured in can strokes!) I will have to pay for it. Right now it feels like She wouldn’t even have to remove the cage to provoke me into having a ruined orgasm…
Having stayed awake to see in the new year last night, and having woken up at more or less a normal time this morning, only a few hours seemed to have passed from watching Mistress Lola’s video when settling into bed to watching it again before getting up. It’s been an easy routine to get used to. Maybe I’m just feeling quite compliant; I’m certainly feeling very attentive.
I’ve just spent the day thinking about my session with Mistress Lola constantly. I actually watched more than my mandated three video clips today (and I still haven’t watched the clip for this evening!). I still have the compulsion to seek out that sort of stimulation even though I know I cannot do much with the energy it fosters. I suppose that’s the emotional paradox at the centre of chastity training: having to constrain a desire that it becomes harder and harder to ignore over time.
As much as I think I’m possessed of a good store of willpower under most circumstances, I think one thing has become clear to me over the last couple of weeks or so: without being locked in this cage I’m not sure I would have coped with the demands of the experience. I hardly notice it now, and I imagine (I know) it will feel a little strange not to wear it.
I’m writing this very late in the day on my last day locked in chastity before I see Mistress Lola. I didn’t sleep too well last night, waking up early (again!) thinking about the session and wondering what Mistress Lola has in store for me. All I know for sure is that I will start the session where I belong, worshipping Her feet. Having in the past been let out of chastity during a session only to be locked up again after it, I can’t know for sure whether Mistress Lola will unlock me, whether She will allow me an orgasm, or anything else.
I can’t express how much I love being under Her control, though, whatever She intends to do to me tomorrow, and that feels like an appropriate sentiment on which to leave this diary entry: the best, most definitive part about being locked in chastity is giving up control to the Mistress I adore.
I bet if you're reading this blog post, you've watched porn at some point in your life. I've defended porn many times in the past. But, there is one aspect of porn which I cannot defend, and that is the serious lack of female sexual pleasure, and especially the depiction of GOOD pussy worship and outstanding cunnilingus.
Rarely in mainstream pornography do I see a woman being given head, and even less do I see women being given what looks like GOOD head. The general story-line of a porno goes... woman gives head, woman gets a fucking, woman gets cum in her face... the end. You'd be forgiven for thinking based on that, that women need zero warm up for pleasurable sex and that they all find it super easy to orgasm through penetration alone (actually, only 18% of women cum through intercourse)
If you're a man reading this, and the only research you've ever done into pleasuring a woman is drawing on what you've seen men doing in mainstream porn movies, then you are FAILING your sexual partner. So, here is an idiot proof guide to pleasuring your woman, peppered with some excellent advice from my twitter followers, which will hopefully give you somewhere to start from...
A quick disclaimer before we dive in... I don't personally offer pussy worship as part of my sessions. I'm simply writing this for the good of all pussies everywhere 😉
Truly learn to love and WORSHIP pussy
First thing first... you need to learn to gain pleasure JUST from giving it to the woman you're with. And, you need to stop thinking of cunninlingus as a 'warm-up event' to a main act. For the vast majority of women whose pleasure depends on clitoral stimulation, THIS is the most important sex act, and the one most likely to rock her world and give her the earth shattering orgasm she deserves from you.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I used to HATE giving head to my boyfriends when I was a teenager. I felt under pressure to be a fantastic lover, and I was constantly worried I may not be doing it right. Too hard? Too soft? Too slow? Throw into that some hair pulling/forcing my head down onto them (oh HI more moves learned from mainstream porn!), and it was just NOT FUN.
Then, I reframed my thinking. My lovers pleasure was completely in my hands when I gave oral sex, and I was free to focus completely on them. What if I took the time and effort to learn to be good at it? I realised, this was my opportunity to BLOW THEIR MINDS.
It's a real rush, being in complete power of another persons pleasure like that. As most people reading this are probably into kink, it's worth pointing out how giving head can be both a submissive OR a Dominant act. Focusing all your energy on giving your Top complete pleasure. Or, taking your submissive's pleasure completely into your own hands. It works both ways, no matter your kinky orientation.
Focus on Pleasure, not the Goal
Most women give head without any intention of making men orgasm. They do so simply to give them pleasure, and make them feel good. When you go down, do so with the intention of giving her a pleasurable experience from start to finish. If you can make her cum, of course that's fantastic. But for many people, having that as the sole intention can put a lot of pressure on both giver and receiver. Not to mention, there are a multitude of different reasons why a woman may not be able to reach orgasm (medication, stress, menopause...). Whilst I am going to include bringing your woman to orgasm in the following instructions, you should aim to be pleasure-orientated, NOT goal orientated.
This is the mindset you should have when you worship pussy. Your aim is to completely 'let go' into the act of giving. This is your opportunity to become completely lost in the intimacy of exploring her body, discovering what she likes, taking the time to spoil her and focus solely on her pleasure. This is an experience you are sharing with her.
So, before we even begin to talk about techniques, let's delve into female anatomy...
The Anatomy of the Pussy
Quite often wrongly referred to as 'the vagina' (which is actually just the entrance), the 'vulva' is the correct medical term for female genitalia. I am going to refer to it as the pussy, and it's comprised of the following parts...
Mon Pubis - A soft mound of flesh over the pubic bone Front Commissure - A highly sensitive area where the lips meet with the clitoris Clitoral Hood - A hood of skin made from the meeting of the lips which covers the highly sensitive clitoral glans in a similar way to a foreskin covering the head of the penis Clitoral Glans - Also referred to as the 'clitoris' (although it is just the only visible part of a much wider structure). Between 4-7mm large, it contains over 8000 nerve endings and is the only organ in the human body dedicated solely to sexual pleasure. Frenulum - The inner edges of the labia minora meet to form a highly sensitive area packed with nerve endings. Urethra - The hole where urine comes from Labia Minora - Also known as the inner lips, they surround the clitoral glans, urethra and vaginal entrance and are packed with nerve endings and are highly sensitive Labia Majora - Also known as the outer lips, they are less sensitive than the inner lips and swell with blood during arousal Vagina - The entrance to the vagina Fourchette - The bottom meeting point for the lips Perineum - The space between the fourchette and anus, it has a network of blood and tissues and can be a good area to stimulate Anus - If you don't know what this is, you really are an idiot... 🙂
When you are worshipping pussy, there are a LOT of hot spots you want to include, but none are more important than the Clitoris. Believe it or not, the full structure of the clitoris wasn't fully discovered until 1998.
The (internal) Anatomy of the Clitoris
Just like the vulva is often wrongly called the vagina, the word 'clitoris' is often used just to describe the 'clitoral glans'. In fact, the full structure of the clitoris is mostly internal, reaching about 7cm in length. The internal strucure is made up of...
Suspensory Ligament - Helps to retract the clitoral glans back when too sensitive and immediately before orgasm Shaft of Clitoris - Can easily be felt, especially when aroused, and runs upwards under the front commissure towards the mons pubis Glans - The only visible part of the clitoris Leg - Also called 'crura', the shaft dives downwards and splits into two legs which run along the path of the labia G-Spot / Clitoral Cluster - Around 2 inches inside the vaginal entrance on the 'ceiling', a soft spongy like tissue dense with nerve endings and connected to the clitoral network Bulb of Clitoris - Twin bulbs of erectile tissue which surround the vaginal entrance and engorge with blood when aroused.
The clitoris is the POWERHOUSE of female sexual pleasure, and as you can see, the is actually a much larger organ than the tiny little nub (the glans) you can see and stimulate from the outside. It expands all around the pussy, including deep inside towards the G-Spot, or more accurately named 'clitoral cluster'. The clitoris is the only organ in the human body (female or male) made solely for the purpose of sexual pleasure.
Now you have a general understanding of female anatomy...
Some general DON'TS when it comes to Worshipping Pussy
DO NOT EVER go in straight for the clitoral glans. There are 8000 nerve endings packed into the glans, which is double the amount in your entire dick. So, imagine your dick being twice as sensitive as it is now, and then imagine all that sensitivity is condensed down into an area only 5mm big. Bearing that in mind, you want to avoid any direct contact until she is seriously warmed up and ready.
DO NOT use a sharp, pointy, stabby/flicky tongue motion (as seen in porn). That is great for the camera but not great for anything else.
DO NOT write the alphabet and expect to get her off. Women need consistency and rhythm, and clumsily making your way through your ABC's won't give her either.
DO NOT dive in with rough passion. The idea here is WORSHIP. That means taking all the time it needs to go slowly and savour every part. If she wants you to spend hours lapping away at her, so be it. You are here to please.
DO NOT motorboat the pussy. Just no. This is especially irritating if you have any kind of facial hair. We DO NOT want stubble rash.
Finally, before we delve into what you should do, a quick word on...
It would be remiss of me not to say that you should be seeking affirmative, enthusiastic consent from any woman you are with. No matter what your personal thoughts on the #MeToo movement is, it should at the very least have informed you that the vast majority of women are dealing with some kind of sexual trauma, and that you should act accordingly.
Whilst below I am going to give some fairly specific advice on how to worship pussy, the best guide will always be the woman you are worshipping. You should keep lines of communication open with her at all times. Prompt her to guide you. Ask her to tell you what feels good for her. Try to read how she reacts to different techniques.
It's unlikely that everything I write here will work for every woman. You're job is to find out specifically what works for her. Every woman is different, and the below tips and tricks are simply a starting point.
Warming up to Pussy Worship
My first tip for giving great head to a woman is to take your time, even BEFORE you begin worshipping. Spend at least 10-15 minutes arousing her before you even think of using your tongue on her. Use long body-length strokes with your hands, deep french kissing, teasing stroking, slowly undressing (but leave her underwear on)...
You want to build up the anticipation. You want her body flooded with feel good chemicals before you even make your way down to pleasuring her. When stimulated, breasts and nipples release oxycotin, the 'cuddling' hormone, increasing sensitivity to touch... so you should be sure to pay attention to them. Always err on the side of gentle until you figure out how she likes it. Listen to her breathing, and let that guide your touch.
After some ample build-up, you can work your way down to worship her. The best position is her lying flat on her back on you on your front between her legs (or, alternatively, knelt on the floor with her resting on the edge of the bed). You should be prepared to spend A LOT of time worshipping her, so get comfortable. Make sure you can easily move both your hands/arms and you have plenty of room to move your face. And for god sake, have clean and well trimmed fingernails. No one wants you scratching their insides.
Even MORE warming up to Pussy Worship
Now she knows you're going to worship her, you want to tease her. Make her ACHE for your mouth. The upper inner thighs are packed with nerve endings, so start there. Plant slow, gentle kisses all over, but no where near her pussy (yet). Treat her to slow, gentle fingertip strokes. Trace your tongue gently along the outside of her underwear. The more anticipation you can build before you touch her pussy, the better.
Then, gentle kisses all over the top of her underwear, beginning at the vagina, working up over the outside lips, then finally over the front commisure/glans area. Combine all of the above with slow, exhales of hot breath. Play with different, gentle sensations. All of this should be INCREDIBLY tender, and you should be savouring every second of it (as will she!).
Now, only AFTER all this build up, should you remove her underwear, and give her what she is now longing for...
The First Lick
Keep in mind the two most important 'Don't' I listed earlier... do not dive straight into attacking the clitoral glans, and do not use a pointy, stabby tongue. You're here as a worshipper, not a woodpecker.
Start with a seriously wet tongue, and press it against the fourchette. Lick the entire length upwards with a flat tongue and gentle pressure. Ease up on that pressure as you pass over the glans, and finish when the tip on your tongue is resting on the front commisure (which will gently stimulate the clitoral shaft hidden just beneath). Then, work your way back down again. GO AS SLOW AS POSSIBLE. You've made her ache for this, so drag out that first lick as long as possible, taking the time to try and enjoy every inch of her.
Building a Rhythm
Now, you want to repeat that 'First Lick' motion over and over again. The idea here is to excite her enough that her clitoral glans become desensitised and ready for more intense attention. After you've done this for a little while, then you can inject some slight variations here and there. Some ideas include...
Increasing/decreasing the speed, mixing it up, but only very very slightly. Never go fast and aggressive.
Concentrating your tongue over to the left side, then centre again, then right side.
Do 'halfway' licks, skipping the upper half of her vulva altogether.
Using your lips to apply pressure to different parts of her as you lick.
At the end of a long lick, bring your lips together as though you are 'french kissing' her pussy.
Resting your tongue still for a few seconds every now and again.
Combining long licks from the bottom which then 'break contact' with her body for a couple of seconds after you have reached the top.
You want to keep those long, flat tongue licks as your 'main' move, but inject a little bit of unpredictability with the above variations.
As you are doing this, take note... What is she reacting to most? Which moves are making her moan? Does it seem she really doesn't like when you do 'x'? Pay close attention as you lavish her, discounting anything she seems not to like, and including a little more of what she does. Regardless of what she likes, your main focus should be on building a steady rhythm.
Finally, after you've really explored her, you can begin to pay attention to the clitoral glans by gently running your tongue over it as you continue worshipping her entire pussy. If she's enjoying it, begin to pay it more and more focus. If it seems like it's a little too much, go back to stimulating everywhere but, and try again after a few more minutes.
Increasing the Intensity
Once she is suitably warmed up for more intense focus on the clitoral glans, begin to slowly shift the majority of your focus there, gradually spending more and more time and attention on the upper half of her pussy.
Continue with wet, gentle, flat tongue strokes, and then begin to explore some of the variations and see what feels good for her...
Resting your upper lip on the front commisure, create a 'seal' with your bottom lip and apply flat, wet licks between.
Play around with licking direction... up and down, side to side, gentle circular motions.
The frenulum is nerve rich, and may also be worth paying some attention to with your tongue.
If she is responding well, you might even be able to add some gentle 'suckling' combined with light tongue action
Apply pressure using your upper lip/gum to the front commisure (which will stimulate the hidden clitoral shaft beneath) whilst your tongue works slow and steady over the clitoral glans.
As before, you want to keep a steady rhythm whilst you explore how she likes to be worshipped, all the while keeping persistent contact with her clitoral glans.
(Not so) Idle Hands
Now that your paying some well deserved attention to the clitoral glans, it's also time to get your hands involved to really up the ante. Begin by teasingly exploring her using either your index finger or your thumb. Gentle strokes along the labia, the fourchette, the vagina and the front commisure are all excellent erogenous zones, especially when combined with licks.
After a little while you can then insert a single finger, just a couple of inches. DO NOT do this roughly or too soon. Take note of how her body responds... did she moan? Did you feel her tighten around your finger? Hold it still there for a few seconds, whilst your mouth and tongue works on the upper half of her vulva. Then, begin to experiment with finger/thumb movements...
Gently stroke the inner walls of her vagina.
Experiment with a light 'swirling' motion.
Move your finger slightly 'in and out', with your palm making contact against her labia on the in stroke, stimulating the clitoral legs/bulbs. Think of this less as 'finger fucking' her (which can feel very clumsy), and more as though you are massaging the ceiling of her vagina.
Use a free finger/thumb/other hand to apply pressure to her perineum
Use a free finger/thumb/other hand to tease or gently tease her anus. If she responds well, she may also like you to insert a finger (make sure it's wet, and don't then use that finger anywhere else on her pussy). Always be gentle and ask for her feedback.
If she is responding well to a single finger, insert a second (index and middle work best, keep them glued together)
With your palm facing up, curl your finger(s) gently in a 'come hither' motion, massaging the ceiling of her vagina.When you do the last thing on this list, you might notice a small, spongy bump of tissue...
The G-Spot / Clitoral Cluster
You've probably heard of a G-Spot, which makes it sound like a 'separate' hot spot of pleasure, when in fact it is more accurately described as a 'Clitoral Cluster'... a bundle of nerves directly linked to the internal structure of the clitoris.
If you have truly taken your time to really arouse every part of her, it should be engorged and fairly easy to find. You do not want to 'hammer' away at it, rather apply firm pressure, using the 'come hither' motion to massage her clitoris from the inside out, or gentle circular motions.
So now, you've played around and experimented, and you have gradually given her more and more of what she has responded to until shes able to take some more intense attention on both the clitoral glans AND clitoral cluster. At this point, you're probably applying firm pressure using your fingers inside her, and your tongue is gently swirling over her clitoral glans.
Now, you want to UP the pressure on her clitoral glans. Increase it bit by bit, going from gentle to firm, using your upper lip/gum to also apply pressure to the front commisure as you do. This is not a case of going faster or increasing speed. Whichever way she enjoyed your tongue earlier (up and down/side to side/circular), do that now but with more pressure.
Slow and steady wins the race here boys. You do NOT need to go rampantly fast. Keeping a steady rhythm and increasing pressure is the key.
As you do this, look out for signs of...
Increased, deepening breath
Feeling her get hotter/heart racing
A tightening of the abdominal muscles
A 'tensing up' of all her muscles
A tightenting/pulsing of her vagina
Her clitoral glans 'retracting' underneath the clitoral hood
All of which are clues that she is approaching...
The Pussy Worship Orgasm
When you notice the above signs, all the sexual tension you have spent so long building is about to explode. What is most important here is to retain focus. Keep doing EXACTLY as you are doing. Be consistent and persistent. Do not speed up and DO NOT change what you are doing. Even if your face feels like it might fall off, it will be for a good cause 😉
Not all that long after, you should be able to feel her orgasm against you. At this point, keep DIRECT contact with her as much as possible. Keeping the same rhythm will help to prolong her orgasm. You should be able to feel this most around your fingers as her pelvic floor muscles squeeze you in short bursts. Most womens orgasms last around 10 - 20 seconds, and you need to keep up the pace this entire time.
Once you feel her start to slow and relax, then you should immediately relieve the pressure on her clitoral glans (if she hasn't already pushed you away!). For most women, this becomes outrageously sensitive right after orgasm, so you need to pay attention to her and ease off as she floats back down from the incredible orgasm your mouth just gave her.
Multiple Pussy Worship Orgasms
Most women are capable of multiple orgasms, so why stop at just 1 orgasm? Unlike men who need a refractory period, women are pretty much ready to begin all over again straight away. Go back to your 'warming up' techniques, being careful once again to avoid the clitoral glans whilst she takes a few minutes to cool down.
The second time around you'll be able to work through the process above more quickly as she is already well warmed up AND you know what she likes and what works... so, enjoy lavishing even more pleasure on her.
A Quick Pussy Worship Recap
Have the right mindset. You are here to WORSHIP and adore her, and be pleasure orientated not goal orientated.
Gain affirmative, enthusiastic consent.
Spend 10-15 minutes kissing, stroking and arousing her. Build up the anticipation.
Take your time to savour every part of her pussy, teasing her with your mouth to explore her inner thighs/over her underwear and avoiding the clitoral glans.
Begin with long, slow, wet and flat licks.
Build up a steady rhythm, and vary it only very occasionally, just enough so it's unpredictable.
Gradually begin to pay more and more attention to the clitoral glans.
Use your hands/fingers/thumbs as your mouth concentrates on the upper half of her pussy.
Keep experimenting, and see what she likes!
Focus in on what is working for her, generally applying firm pressure to the G-Spot/Clitoral Cluster with your fingers and gentle pressure on the head of her clitoris with both your lips and tongue.
Increase the pressure, and stay consistent. Do not alter speed or technique when you can tell it's working.
Keep going until she orgasms, and keep in contact with her until you start to feel her 'ease off'.
Following the pace of her body, reduce pressure on the head of her clitoris and slow down all movements.
Go back to step 4 and repeat until she begs you stop or you put her in a coma.
So, there you go boys. A foolproof guide to the most important parts of a womans pussy, and how to worship them correctly. However, if you REALLY want to be great at pussy worship, there are countless other articles, books, instructional videos and entire websites dedicated solely to female sexual pleasure. GO FORTH AND FIND THEM!
I'll leave you finally with this hilarious video, just in case you need a little more guidance on how to know whether you are doing it right or not...
I've long held the opinion that BDSM play can be therapeutic, for both Dommes and submissives. I've personally found a majority of my subs find a sense of freedom and healing, through serving a Dominant. I make reference to this a few times throughout my website, and so today I thought I would dedicate a longer blog post to it.
Now, before I delve more into my own thoughts, I feel the need to make something very clear. Recently there have been a spate of mainstream media articles, all discussing BDSM as their therapy. Now, whilst I truly believe that BDSM play can be healing, I do not believe that seeing a Dominatrix should ever be a substitution for actual therapy. This is an important distinction. Let's take the example of a past traumatic sexual experience. Re-enacting what happened to you in a space where you feel safe and ultimately in control (hello safewords!) can of course be incredibly healing.
However, it will never match up to discussing this at length with a trained psychological professional. Not only is a Dominatrix not qualified to offer this to you, but it would be unfair of you to project that onto them. If you are seriously struggling with your mental health, whilst a seeing a Dominatrix does have the potential to help your mental state, they should be the last on the list of professionals you seek out (with trained, accredited psychotherapists and your doctors being the top). For those of you seeking a therapist, I can highly recommend Pink Therapy where you can specify wanting to see a kink friendly therapist. Now that I've make the all important distinction between 'therapy' and 'therapuetic', let's delve into the meat of this blog.
The History of BDSM as a Mental Illness
The idea that BDSM can be therapuetic is a relatively new concept (although perhaps not to those of us who actually practise it).
Shockingly, BDSM was only declassified as a mental illness in 2010. Less than a decade ago, a craving for a spanking was seen as a marker for pathology. Everyone in the community usually has strong negative feelings for the portrayl of BDSM in 50 Shades. For all its faults (of which there are many), it did normalise kink, and bring some mainstream understanding, albeit with the cliche of a 'damaged' Domme. These days, studies seem to indicate that kinky fantasies are the norm. A fair chunk of the population actually have some kind of non-vanilla yearnings...
BDSM is no longer a marker of insanity, or the extreme past-time for the damaged it was once seen as. Now, for many people, it is simply an alternative way to explore sexuality. There is much more freedom and choice in it than simple vanilla sex... Not to mention that sometimes it can include basically no genital stimulation at all. It hinges on the exploration of power, pleasure and process. Of course, at what point light-hearted play tips over into more profound healing depends on the individuals.
A healing relationship with your Dominant
As I mentioned earlier, BDSM should not be a substitution for therapy. However, there is a huge amount of overlap between the motivations for those who seek out play and who seek out therapy. A desire for personal growth and self exploration. Learning how to regulate emotions and manage symptoms. Getting in touch with less dominant aspects of your personality. To re-frame and reclaim past trauma. Developing a relationship built on absolute trust, respect and non-judgement. These are often discussed as goals for both BDSM players and those in therapy.
Submitting fully to another person can be all at once terrifying and exhilarating. To explore your deepest fantasies without fear of shame or judgement, guided by a professional you trust, is quite the experience. Especially for those who have had past traumatic sexual experiences, is there any place better to reclaim that than in a place where you have a professional guiding your experience, and your consent is king?
Whilst during play submissives may get little to no say in what is to happen to them, any good Dominatrix will always negotiate your limits with you prior to play, and won't spring anything extreme onto you that you haven't already expressed an interest in. Within the four walls of a dungeon, having a Dominant who you trust to treat your body with respect and care, and that your needs, desires, boundaries and safety are paramount, is incredibly liberating. This is especially for those who may have been mistreated by partners in the past.
Physical Sensations of Submission
The experience of a submissive is both a physical and psychological act, and can be a healing experience in both ways.
Not only can pain serve as a heightener of pleasure, but it also serves it's own physical purpose. When in moments of pain, the body begins to flood with adrenaline, feel good endorphins and enkephalins. The sensation can be at once exhilarating and euphoric, as these begin to shoot straight to the opiate receptors of the brain... The same button a shot of heroin would press. When under both physical and mental stress, the body also starts to spew out cortisol and endocannabinoids. Suddenly, you'll find yourself swimming in the bodies homemade equivalent to morphine and cannabis, pumped up further by a buzz of adrenaline... the natural, chemical high of subspace. Feeling good physically is good for your soul.
Psychological Sensations of Submission
The idea that 'altered states of consciousness' is good for mental well-being is slowly gaining traction. From modern day studies into psychedelic therapies and to the ever increasing popularity of yoga, meditation and mindfulness practice. I would argue that BDSM play can definitely fall into this same category.
To me, there are huge paralells between meditation, mindfulness and BDSM play. By taking total control of a submissive, we are both forced to live almost completely in the present moment. For submissives, having someone else take care of all your decisions allows you to clear your mind of distractions. This kind of setting allows for a 'hyperfocus' on the here and now, as both past and future melt away.
For submissives, experiencing a 'thoughtlessness' during session allows them to tap into their physical sensations even more. Quite often in play I will blindfold my slaves and instruct them to 'drop down into their body'. Generally speaking, we are all so in our heads all the time. Taking a moment to clear our thoughts and focus on actual bodily sensations is very freeing. Unless you have a regular exercise regime, this is probably not something you do very often.
Quite often, during play both Dommes and submissives will find themselves in a 'State of Flow'...
In positive psychology, a flow state, also known colloquially as being in the zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by the complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting loss in one's sense of space and time. (Wikipedia)
Beyond just being a catalyst for feeling good, in the same way that exercise or meditation, I think it's also important to acknowledge how BDSM specifically can help those people with past sexual trauma.
The Healing Nature of Consent
Firstly, is the importance that consent is given in any play. If you have ever experienced how devastating it can be to have your consent ignored, then being given such power over what is happening you can be incredibly cathartic. This is one of the reasons why I believe so avidly in safewords. They act as the foundation to a relationship which is built entirely around a promise of trust and respect. As a survivior, having your mind and body treated with such respect is always going to be a healing experience. Being able to feel like you safely explore intimacy again is a huge victory in the face of past violations.
It's also worth mentioning that while there is plenty of overlap, BDSM is not the same as sex. If you are a trauma survivor, then it may well be that certain vanilla sex acts may be quite triggering. Being able to explore sexuality which is not in its nature sexual, can feel safe and comforting. You can reclaim a sense of sexuality without engaging in sex acts which are triggering for you.
More specifically, some people even like to act out their traumas, and reclaim them in the process. I am sure every Domme has a tale or two of a submissive who wishes to do this. Personally, I have countless. It's the same reason why I believe rape fantasies are common amongst women (and even rape victims). By fetishising something which was or would be awful to actually experience it, you can control it. And by taking control of exactly how it happens you to, there is power.
The idea of self care is a bit of a buzzword these days. However, there is so much truth to the idea that dedicating time to your own well-being is a powerful thing. Just like we go to the gym for our bodies, we should also set aside time to nourish our minds.
What does the Science Say?
Thankfully, science seems to be on the side of kinksters, although sadly not too much science has been done.
A Netherlands study into BDSM players found they have better mental health than their vanilla counterparts. This included being less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive and higher subjective well-being.
A subsequent U.S. study of BDSM-identified couples found reductions in self-reported stress and negative affect.They also found as increases in intimacy with their partners following BDSM play.
A study by the ever fabulous Pamela Connelly also found BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia. In the interest of honesty, I'll also say that she found higher levels of 'dissociation' and 'narcissism'... Given the fact we're talking about subspace high submissives and in a state of flow dominants, I find unsurprising!
Whilst researching this blog, I also read this article, which I'll recommend to you all. In particular, one paragraph struck me...
"Given free reign, our aggressive drives have produced a human history of spectacular violence. Yet, as Rogers insists, the drives themselves are neither good nor bad. If conscientiously directed with the consent of others, even our darkest impulses can be profoundly meaningful. Unacknowledged however, they are often a constant source of shame, anxiety, and sublimation."
And there lies yet another reason why BDSM can be healing... simply just acknowledging our desires, rather than shamefully hiding them away.
The body and the mind are sites for both trauma AND healing. To everyone reading this now, I hope that you experience far more of the latter.
Firstly, let Me say that although I (currently) only make non-nude, fetish/FemDom content, I stand in solidarity with ALL porn performers. I very much class Myself as both a sex worker and a pornographer. All of us in the industry are subject to a society which at once consumes the content we produce, whilst also criminalising us and decrying us for producing it. Let Me also say, that I have mixed feelings about the digital economy bill. For those unaware, the bill will require age proof of age *** on all pornographic content. Websites which refuse to comply will be blocked in the UK. This may well include My website, which you're reading this blog on right now.
I have yet to read any real, unbiased study stating that children are adversely affected by viewing pornography. But, I also don't believe that a lack of such evidence means porn is good for children to be viewing. If anyone can point Me in the direction of any such studies, then I would love to hear from you...
Although it will adversely impact Me and My business, I agree with the idea that porn should probably be less available to children. But... I also believe that blocking websites and other such censorship is a violation of liberty. As so eloquently put by activists such as Pandora Blake and Myles Jackson, porn is the 'canary in the coalmine' of free speech. Censorship of porn may well be the thin end of the wedge... What might our government decide we shouldn't be viewing next?
I feel somewhat personally 'protective' over porn. Not simply because I make it, but because I believe it has had a positive impact on Me and My sexuality. I have spent the majority of the past few years either single or in long distance relationships. Porn has helped Me explore and enjoy My sexuality without needing to resort to casual sex with near strangers. Porn helped Me to understand My body and how it responds to pleasure. It has taught Me how to make Myself orgasm more easily, and how to then better instruct My lovers. The sex I have with partners is better and healthier as a result of masturbation, which has been aided in part by pornography (and My hitachi wand 🙂 )
So, now you know a little more about My own outlook, let's dive into this terrible article together.
Christina Patterson makes sweeping statements that children copy what they see in porn. That porn teaches them to disregard consent. That children believe violence and screaming are a normal part of sex. That sexual harassment in schools is becoming ever more normalised by porn. That children are being stripped of their childhoods.
This is presented with NO evidence at all (unless you count those unnamed 'expert witnesses'), but I'll bite anyway.
It may well be that children are copying what they see in porn. That they now believe screaming or violence is a normal part of it. That they are disregarding consent as a result. But in the absence of any real sex education telling them otherwise, where else do you expect children to learn about this?
It's also worth noting, whilst on the topic of violence in pornography, that there's actually much than you might initially think. This article by Psychology Today (debunking a study claiming 88% of porn shows violence against women) looks across 5 peer review studies. They found violence against women in 2%-36% of porn. The disparity between these studies findings is generally a result of what the examiners class as 'violence'. That study that found only 2% of pornography showing violence against women? That was the only study which didn't class consensual BDSM as violence.
I was a female school child before the age of the internet, and I suffered sexual harassment at school. Most of My female friends did too... this is, sadly, hardly a new phenomenon. I don't want to make light of a serious issue, and I accept perhaps porn is now adding to a hyper sexualised culture, but this problem already existed long before hardcore pornography was so readily available. Blaming porn entirely is just scapegoating.
For Me, it's clear that there is a huge failure in our education system. For some reason entirely unknown to Me, there seems to be a moral outrage at giving our children anything more than the bare minimum in reproductive biology. God forbid they might go on to make informed choices about their bodies, their sex lives or their relationships in the future...
Patterson quite boldly claims that 'porn warps'. She states that PornHubs most popular search terms of 'crying in pain', 'extreme brutal gangbang', 'sleep assault', 'step mum' and 'teen' as her evidence.
Here are the actual most searched terms reported by PornHub in the UK last year...
This is taken from PornHubs 2016 Year in Review, which I highly recommend you take the time to browse over yourself, it's fascinating... https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2016-year-in-review
'Step Mum' comes in at #5, and 'Teen' is the second most popular category. The far more offensive and violent search terms of 'crying in pain', 'extreme brutal gangbang' and 'sleep assault' are funnily enough nowhere to be seen. I guess reporting the truth (that people like watching sexy videos of massages and british chavs) just doesn't quite paint the panicked picture Patterson would like.
Under the digital economy bill, you may to need to jump through a few hoops to get your porn. They may ask for credit card details and charge a small fee. You'll be leaving a bigger 'porn footprint' as a result. Patterson especially relishes in how this might show up on bank accounts and be seen 'by wives'.
Not only does this insinuate that only men consume pornography, but it also ignores some more dangerous personal implications. Imagine how homophobic parents of a 19 year old teen might react if they see a bank statement with a payment to a gay pornography website? Or how highly traditional parents might react to their adult child's donation to a kink or trans website?
Just under 1/4 of PornHubs visits are by women. Men are clearly not the only ones who consume pornography...
Patterson claims that she doubts people who consume porn remain loving partners and pillars of society. I am both a producer and consumer of pornography. By Pattersons standards, that probably makes Me the lowest of the low. The reality is a different picture. I am a very loving partner, not only in My personal life, but to My paying slaves. Open communication and consent is at the forefront of every interaction I have, sexual or paid. I educate about consent at every chance I get.
Perhaps there aren't many people would class Me as a 'pillar of society', but I am certainly not a menace to it. I was able to financially, physically and emotionally support My parents through My dads illness thanks to My work. I've also supported past partners/friends through tough times when they might have otherwise fallen through the cracks of this 'society' Patterson cares so much about. I get lots of free time, and I spend some of that giving my time to a charity which works to support some of the most at risk women in My city. Maybe it's irrelevant, but I also paid more taxes in 2014 than Facebook (like many Pro-Dommes I imagine). But hey, fuck all that, because every now and again I like to watch sexy videos.
I don't say any of that to win any accolades. Almost everyone I know, including My own fans, are loving, kind and generous people. They care deeply about the people around them and about society as a whole. The fact they like to get their rocks off to porn on occasion doesn't make them monsters. To shame the viewers of pornography and paint them as demons to society is both wrong and disgusting.
Patterson says the internet inventor Tim-Berners-Lee probably didn't dream of a wild west that would do us so much harm, and that she can't wait for the day when we're all a little bit less free. Funnily enough, when the 'porn filters' came out back in 2013, they didn't just block adult content. They also blocked helpful sex education websites aimed at teenagers, such as the charity Brook. Blocked websites also include support forums for lesbians, gays, trans, queer and intersex people. They even blocked NHS pages aimed at providing teenagers with sexual health education. That doesn't much sound to Me like the 'open platform that would allow everyone, everywhere, to share information, access opportunities, and collaborate across geographic and cultural boundaries' that Tim Berners-Lee imagined either.
What Patterson handily misses out from the NSPCC report is...
"Children and young people want information, advice and support about porn that is suitable for different ages and genders. They want to be able to easily get safe, reliable and private information that is fun and relevant to them"
My advice to those with Christina Pattersons view is this... how about instead of spending all that time and energy blaming pornography, and decrying all porn producers and porn consumers as deviants, you start canvassing for real, innovative and comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in our schools? Because honestly, without that, what other frame of reference have children got for sex other than porn? The digital economy bill may well stop kids stumbling across porn by mistake. But it won't stop them searching for it using VPN's because they have no other information about sex to learn from.
I imagine we would all be much happier and healthier if we have gotten real sex education at school.
Imagine sex education classes for our children which don't just teach about biology, but help children to learn about their relationships to other people and to their own bodies. How important it is to recognise and set your own boundaries, and to respect other peoples. Teach them all about the nuances of consent, and give them tools on how to navigate it.
Certainly teach them about the risks of STI/STD's, but also teach them about the unfair stigma attached to many of them. Give them advice about contraception which will protect them, and the importance of regular STI testing and cervical screenings. Teach young women they shouldn't feel shame about their sexual desires or their bodies. Teach young men to respect women, and to embrace and vocalise their emotions. Have them learn about the entire spectrum of alternative sexuality. Teach them that falling under the LBTQIA+ umbrella is both normal and natural. Give them resources for further support if they need it.
Most crucially, teach children that porn is a fantasy made by and for adults. That sometimes, what we see in porn is not what is most enjoyable. It's about what looks best for the camera. That porn often bears as little likeness to real life sex as the latest Quentin Tarantino film bears to real life in general. I know for a fact how much I would have personally benefited from such an education.
I am hopeful, but sadly I think we are a long way off this being the reality.
Advocating for proper sex education, instead of inciting moral panic, just wouldn't get as many clicks through to the Guardians website...